I still get upset when I am reminded about my father since his death. My life goal is to live down my regrets by doing everything I can to make a difference for the better. One thing I was reminded of is how I waited for him to change until the day he died - that this day never came, and how I didn’t see that, I didn’t fully accept the fact that he had mental illness and the extent of it. Waiting on others for change is a form of waiting for myself to change, which is an odd thing to do, think about changing, imagine changing, project dreams about changing, when change is already here in the moment - every new moment is a ‘change’ as existence unfold and progresses/processes, it is only me that has to walk with it.
I notice how much I actually enjoy spontaneity, and as much as I try to control things, I still create this experience/behaviour where I am actually quite ‘floaty’ and don’t actually ‘control’ as much as I seek to - in other words, I don’t get as much done or have as much of an effect as I’d like to.
There can be such a tendency for me to blame certain activities or habits in my life for the problems that I experience, but what I notice as a general rule of thumb is that things tend to only be problematic when they are done within a point of stagnation - doing certain things/participating in certain activities and habits as if it is some sort of ritual, and that is almost always justified as it being a ‘good thing to do’ - a form of morality.
So let’s take an example like drinking coffee. I like coffee a lot, I enjoy it and its effects, but when I am drinking coffee when I am within a point of stagnation within myself, of follow the same mind patterns and the physical behaviour patterns that they create, it becomes like a religious ritual, the the experience of coffee may become a drag, hard on the body. Its actually a useful practical example, because coffee is like an accelerant, but when I am within a point of stagnation, then it is like I am accelerating my stagnation - quite an oxymoron, because I’m doing something that assist my body to in a way ‘move faster’ when within myself I am not moving and rather just looping the same mind patterns.
I’m seeing this point of self stagnation mainly in how I approach my process and trying to do the self work of investigating and forgiving myself where I have a certain approach that has this undertone of ‘this is such a big, heavy thing’, like already self defeated in a way because of how I have judged myself in my process, judged myself and who I have been and was I have lived as being so extensively evil that it is like I have created this shadow monster that is too big to take on. I’ve fuelled and fed this monster to grow to a massive giant, through all of these experiences of trying to take it on in this way where I feel like I am not equal to it and thus incapable of taking it on.
A lot of my tendency to be controlling in the way that I deal with my mind is based on memories where it was quite difficult to get myself to focus and do it. Even if I had the best intentions to face myself, I would read to the experience of how difficult it was to sit down and focus and work on myself. I found discipline incredibly difficult, and this was mainly during a time in my life where I had a job working full time as a high school teacher, living off of little money and being busy with a girlfriend as well. It was like, I wasn’t satisfied with where I was at in my life, I wasn’t living the kind of life I really wanted to live and doing the things that I really liked doing, so this reflected in my ability to apply myself in my process, because of the way that I was already being so controlling in my life, walking all these paths that were not really me - and in this way that I was controlling with myself, so too was I controlling about the way I would apply myself in process. Very regimented, like a super hardcore disciplinarian. Sometimes I remember being so exhausted with work, my home life and whatever other things I was busy living that were not a real reflection of who I really am, that I literally needed to rest and recoup and through that point of common sense living, give myself a moment to question what I was doing, and go into myself/my process more organically/common sensually that way. But in stead, I was so ‘ambitious’ with all these things I wanted to do in my life, ideas about who I wanted to be and what I wanted to achieve, that I would not give these points up and give myself the time, space, freedom and spontaneity to work on myself in a more relaxed and effective way, and my ability to let go of that is what built up the deeper point of feeling like ‘this is just something that I cant overcome, it is too big and power’ - because I was creating that of course, unwittingly.
So I’m at a pointing my life now where much as changed as far as my positioning and the things that I am busy with and the opportunities that I have. I am in a space where I can operate with more spontaneity, and I am realizing the simplicity of the fact that it is useless to follow some kind of ritual of self-work, where I can actually become rather creative and playful and explorative in my self investigation/self correction, and investigation of all things in this world. Not only can I do it, but it is practically more effective, and a lot more fun. I enjoy it. I enjoy spontaneity and pleasant surprises and living life in such a fresh way is in a way always a nice surprise because the niceness of the surprise is in the present (presence) of myself.
As far as how this plays out in my investigation of things in my reality, this is also where I notice things become very fun because when I approach things with this mindset of “I MUST do this (or else…!!) then I become quite anxious in a way and learning becomes very difficult. Whereas if I drop such ideas, I start exploring, investigating and taking things in such a way as I did when I was a child, where my mind is shut off and I’m simply here with things, and I let them pass through me freely, allowing my depth and common sense to be the processor, instead of the mind as a filter/barrier.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to approach my reality and process with a sense of it being difficult to overcome and ‘too much’ and overwhelming me, creating ideas and projections about how to move and what to do and how to apply myself in facing the mind as some for of ritualistic habitual pattern
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word spontaneity as a point of existing here within the moment in self trust, as I have not allowed myself to be vulnerable through connoting the word vulnerable as some form of being able to be hurt or diminished in some way when in fact vulnerability only implies to be here, present clear and open in the moment with/as life, allowing myself to explore my curiosities without stigma or fear
I commit myself to practice redefining and living the words spontaneity and curiosity, meaning to let go of ideas about what I should or should not do and how I should do it apparently, to stop controlling myself through ideas and projections of what it means to investigate, face myself and support/forgive myself, and rather allow myself to do the unexpected in a moment, to investigate myself and my reality without thoughts, ideas or projections and simply jump into the ride of life and see where it takes me as I see, realize and understand that I am ablate trust myself in common sense here without the mind in wherever my explorations and investigations take me.
