It has been many years now since I have taken on the point of writing myself out with diligence and purpose. In the beginning of my process, much of what drove me was a deep sense of anger and despair, reacting to what I found when I uncovered the truth of existence and the extent of the suffering that exists in this world, and realizing that I am responsible for it.
It is almost like a part of me has wished for armageddon, for destruction, for war, because I found focusing on solutions much more difficult than focusing on the problems, like a subtle way to dupe myself into not actually standing up for life, one and equal - but rather separating myself from it, by either putting myself above it or below it - putting myself above it by projecting this saviour complex of one who is burdened to take the weight of the world on my shoulders and solve it all, and putting myself below it by playing into a kind of victim mentality, where I create an inferiority complex and say "I am not good enough, I am not capable of standing up and making a real difference, I am just too evil and I am beyond forgiveness."
The truth is that I allowed survival to get in the way, I allowed my fears and misunderstandings about the world system to limit me from truly going deep, and 'sticking with it', as far as really moving and applying myself in my process in a consistent and diligent way. I was not gentle with myself. On the contrary I have always been quite hard on myself, yet within that point of being hard on myself, wallowing in it, giving up and not allowing myself to make those seemingly subtle changes in those seemingly 'small moments'.
I've judged myself extensively, and through my fears I have separated myself from my mind, creating bubbles and fantasies and beliefs to not have to face this great shadowy monster that I have created for myself within myself. Within my judgment of my mistakes I would wallow in them and accept that 'this must be what life is', apparently - and I had not shortage of experiences to confirm that. if that is the belief we want to live, that life is just too hard, and we are just too corrupted and evil, then certainly our world can appear in such a way as to confirm our own self beliefs.
Self honesty, without self forgiveness, is not self honesty at all.
So within this point of 'separating myself from my mind', of escaping the truth of me, suppressing the truth of me, denying absolute self-forgiveness, and generally not being more unconditional in embracing myself/embracing life, I had lived in many habits/patterns to confirm my own self belief of what a demon I am. Acts of dishonesty, living judgmentally, using people in my environment without consideration of whats best for all, looking to benefit/gain at the expense of others, drug abuse, sexual obsessiveness - all kind of behaviour problems stemming from my own self belief that I am beyond forgiveness...yet all the meanwhile, yearning so deeply to see a change in this reality, because there is one thing that I cannot ultimately accept within this reality which is suffering. So, some point of compassion I have always retained, despite all the confusion, turmoil and abuse.
The ironic point here is that no real change in existence is really possible without my own self change. How can all of the rest of existence be forgiven and change for the better, if I can't even forgive myself and change for the better? How could I believe in this world and all of the beings in it if I can't even believe in myself?
Through my own self belief and the way that I have always lived and existed, I created the belief that change is impossible. Even though I may be ready to fight for change - in that fighting, I am only keeping things the same and keeping that belief alive.
And yet I am still here, and as long as I am here, I can make the decision to defy all beliefs, to stand in the face of all odds, and walk the process of forgiveness. As I was told 1 year ago: do the impossible. The very fact that I am here, still talking about this, still focused on this, still wanting to do this, is the very proof that the opportunity is in fact HERE in physical reality, and that such limitations are mere mental illusions, created and powered by my own acts.
So to be fair, it has not all been 'doom and gloom'. Have I made things more difficult for myself than they've had to be? Probably, but it doesn't serve this purpose to judge how well I have done in the past. In the meantime that I have been busy making all kinds of mistakes - traveling the world 'to hell and back' - I have been learning. With every mistake has come a new lesson, a new point of clarity that perhaps I needed to explore in physical reality to be able to destroy my illusions/beliefs because of how deeply I had accepted them and engrained them.
I accepted that my demonic possessions are who I really am - I took life at face value, and did not feel I had the time/opportunity to question, to pry, to search for answers in innocence and unconditionality, like I have everything to learn. I accepted this belief of who I am as a demonic entity, where I essentially live to fulfill my own agenda, and human beings become little more than pawns in my own game of world domination, at everyone's expense - even my own - if that is what it takes to make this self belief real. It is a tragic irony, our tendency to unconditionally live and love all that we create, even if it is based in belief and illusory in nature.
For the acceptance of this self belief I create and reinforce my greatest fear: that I will be someday left behind, completely disregarded and abandoned, alone with all of my needs going unmet, my expression as a being non-existent, where my world becomes one of pain, suffering and hardship - hell. it is a projection of the world I have accepted/created through my self belief of who I am, and the hell I create in this world and the impact I have for the worse, by existing in an illusion of complete self interest where there world and all beings in it are only here to bend or break to my will, and then be disregarded once their usefulness and resourcefulness has been depleted.
And then there is the flip side of this self belief and point of existing within my greatest fear: the projection and desire to take on the weight of the world on my shoulders, and save all of existence. To be the one who changes it all, and lives the greatest story ever known to mankind as the one who saved and changed existence to end all abuse forever. We humans can really make bullshit sound good.
These are two sides of the same coin that have 1 thing in common: CONTROL. The desire to control my reality in some way, to get lost in the judgments of what is here and the projections of what could be, as a way of attempting to control myself and my reality for the outcome/effect where nothing actually ever changes for real. What a mind job. And the central point in this has been to suppress that point of my mind and escape it.
What I have found however is that energy always runs out - the allure and lustre of escaping the mind and the reality that we find ourselves in, fades over time, and we end up right back where we started, with a few lessons learned.
I have nothing left to gain. As the illusions that I so highly value have eroded and been exposed for what they are, the simplistic reality of being here is all that remains, and all of the responsibilities that being here as a human on planet earth entail.
My challenge now is to let go, to embrace the change that is already here and become equal to my own mind, as I see, realize and understand that this is the key that I have not given myself, as the keys to my own being. To let go of control, to be vulnerable, to be in service of myself/life, to embrace the simplicity of touch and self trust in common sense, to allow myself to be a child again, to not be afraid to expose my weaknesses and flaws, to not be afraid to be cry or experience any other emotions and face whatever it is that comes up in my mind and into my thoughts and even out of my mouth. As long as I am here and willing to work with myself with forgiveness, there is nothing within me that cannot be faced, there is nothing that I can truly 'lose', and yet there is everything to be realized, understood and lived. One thing I do know, is that I will never again allow myself to compromise, to abdicate who I am and the gift that I have as this one life on planet earth, for some idea, some belief, some habit, some pattern or addiction. And for this, I am grateful to have the support of the Desteni group.
Through Desteni, I have been shown - PROVEN in fact - that it is possible to face the mind, become equal to it, and completely redefine myself and my reality. That a whole other world is possible, a whole other me is possible. It has been a life changing experience getting to know this group of incredible individuals, to become more intimate with other Destonians and within that, allow myself to integrate with a group/way of life that I have for so long denied, within the belief that I am inferior/not capable of standing as it. I've come to this point where I see that I can no longer 'do it alone', that I can no longer exist within this point of having abandoned myself, of having separated from myself. From aloneness to all-oneness, where I equalize myself to myself, as I walk this process hand in hand, no longer jockeying for position to lead or follow.
