This stuffed animal was gifted to me by a friend after my dog died.
She knew I was going through a rough time saying goodbye to my dog.
I mean I raised her and trained her, even though she always scattered the trash across the kitchen floor.
I still love that dog, through getting sprayed by a skunk, and a destroyed Christmas tree.
She died of cancer, I tried my best to help her through the hard times, I was feeding her Rick Simpson oil everyday and giving her as many belly rubs as possible, however time took it's toll and got the best of her.
I was beat up inside, I couldn't save my girl.
Her soulful brown eyes never lost their luster, even at the very end her gaze was a tell all of emotions and memories.
I spent the whole day with Kandy, driving down back roads, letting her explore my house and land on the river, and even spoiling her rotten with McDonalds.
Having to watch her lay on that table and leave me, I couldn't stop petting her back and holding her close.
Far long after she was gone I stood there holding her empty body cursing myself for not trying harder.
I was dragged away from my girl by the vet, my clothes covered in jet black fur.
I was wreaked by emotions and toiled with guilt.
Some would say, "It's just a dog." but Kandy was more than that, she held a soul all her own.
My friend at the time knew I was a mess. She showed up at my house just as the sun set.
I'm surprised I was able to hold a conversation on the phone with her.
She walked into my house, highly empathetic, knowing I had sunken into a hole devoid of light.
We talked about our past relationships with our animals. How they were a part of the family.
She knew the hole I was trapped in all too well.
She pulled out a stuffed animal, sure it didn't look like Kandy, but it was meant well.
My friend told me to keep the stuffed dog and remember all the good times I had with Kandy.
If it weren't for her words I'd probably still be blaming myself for the death of a loved one.
After that night of talking with my friend we spent a lot of time together.
Creating new joyful memories throughout the summer, bringing life to a bond I thought would outlast time.
All good things must come to an end I guess.
Pride got the best of me, an inability to stop the ego from taking offense at criticism.
A will to lash out at others when my mind was struggling and life was showing me brick walls.
I hope that someday I'll be able to bring forth the meaningful words of an apology to the people I may have hurt. Until that day comes I'll hold the memories of my ways as a means to learn from the past.
When I see that gift sitting on my shelf I remember holding Kandy till her last breath, and the loss of a friendship.
I believe that one day my perception will change, and I'll gaze at the stuffed animal and remember the good memories before the horrid ones.
Just got to shake off the mud from the ditch and keep walking down that road.
