Honestly, there were a lot of times I questioned your love for me. You spit out words out of anger and you never apologized. I cried very often thinking that even my very own family doesn’t love me. I mean, I know I was a total rebel back in the days, and we used to fight every other day because we don’t understand each other, but crying has become my natural escape and I always doubt people around me.
Growing up, I told myself that I want a warm family. See, there is nothing wrong with our family, but I’ve always wanted to get closer. I wanted to open up about my issues, but I guess we never had that kind of relationship. We cry for one another in secret; in silence. I often tell myself, “Maybe we are some sort of a dysfunctional family,” but it is not the case. We just care and love differently.
And different is normal.
It is okay.
I’ve heard a lot of stories about you. How you helped your family back in the days, that’s why they favor you a lot now. Your selflessness was almost faultless until I hear you complain in your weakest voice, between the corners of our home. You are not perfect, but you are real. And honestly, no one is genuinely selfless until you become a parent - A Mama, a Papa. And I thank you for always sticking to me. For not abandoning me. For believing in me even though I don’t believe in myself.
The past months had been so stressful for our family. And when I told you that I no longer believe in you, I meant it with all my heart. And it took a lot of crying and thinking to finally accept you again. When you told me, “Please don’t doubt me, Anak.” I lost it! I broke down, cut my hair short, and then threw my first hard-earned phone in a basin full of water. I was so angry at myself for thinking of others first before you. I was thinking of the worst-case scenarios and neglecting the fact that my Mama is old, too; that my Mama can get sick, too. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. If there are people I am most afraid of losing, it is you, Papa, Andrew, and Karl. Nothing is much more important than the four of you.
I will be home soon.
I love you.
I miss you.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!
Written 14th of May 2017. I miss my family and I am sorry.