I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I’ve tried and tried and I just don’t fit anywhere. But lord knows I can’t do it myself. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve sat with the razor poised over my wrist, the noose around my neck and the gun against my head and each time I back out. Talk about being a coward, right? So, I finally came up with a better solution. I’ve found someone to do it for me. I went online and let me tell you, it took hours to find someone who wasn’t just looking for sex. But I finally found what I was looking for. A hitman. Or an assassin, whatever you wanna call it, I’ve found someone I can just hire to kill me. So, before I could chicken out again I hired them, giving them my address and a picture of me. I know nothing about them, not what they look like, not their age, not even their gender.
I hired them to kill me at a random point throughout the year, by any means necessary. Of course I woke up the next morning with a hangover, immediately regretting it. Thing is, I couldn’t find them again to tell them not to. Just my luck. I’ve decided I don’t want to die, and this is what happened. That was four months ago. And I’m starting to think they were just a fake that took my money. Figures. I’m at a coffee shop, working on some homework for my class at the college and look up to catch a cute girl looking at me and smiling. I smile hesitantly then pull out my phone to the camera to make sure I don’t just have something on my face. Nope. Clean. Strange.
I smile at her again and she looks back to the guy sitting with her, who I assume to be her boyfriend, because of course she’s not gay, all the cute ones are straight. So I focus on my paper I need to write and a few minutes later someone is clearing their throat next to me. I quickly take out my headphones and look up, blushing when I see it was the cute girl from across the shop. She smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear “mind if I sit?” she asks and I’m stunned, so it takes me a second but I nod.
She smiles and sits “I’m Jacquelin. But you can call me Jack.” she says and I’m still stunned she asked to sit so I clear my throat before speaking so that I can speak “I’m Morgan. Nice to meet you.” I manage to say, somehow without stuttering and making her smile wider “It’s nice to meet you too, Morgan.” she says and next thing I know she’s giving me her number and we have a date tomorrow night. Guess that guy wasn’t her boyfriend.
I’m petrified. My date is in two hours and I have no idea what I’m doing. Well technically I’m digging through my closet looking for something presentable and debating whether or not I should shave my legs, but I mean in general what the fuck am I doing? I haven’t been on a date in years, much less a date with a girl. Much less a date with a cute girl. Oh god I’m screwed.
“You know, at this rate you’re gonna be late if you still wanna shower.” my best friend Renae says from where she’s laying on the bed. I roll my eyes and sigh, continuing to dig. “If you think I’m taking so long then help me.” I say. And she sighs and groans dramatically as she gets off the bed, making me smile. “Okay, drama queen, help me find something to wear.” I tease as I start digging again, this time with help. “Are you sure this girl isn’t some creep or... You know… them?” she asks, whispering the last part. I told Renae about the hired hitman last month and ever since she’s been super protective.
I met Renae the day after I hired the guy and she’s the one that helped pull me back from the edge a little. Okay a lot. She’s pretty much the only reason I’m alive. I sigh and nod “yes, I’m sure. Plus, I’m pretty sure that account was just a fake looking for money.” I reassure her, without looking up from my task. She sighs dramatically and finally pulls an outfit out of my closet, and after a little poking convinces me to wear it to my date.
Once I finally find something to wear and decide that yes, I do want to shave my legs, I get in the shower and manage to cut myself three times before my legs are hairless. It’s been awhile, okay? Don’t judge.
Half an hour later I’m in the restaurant fifteen minutes early and incredibly bored. I sit the whole time wondering if I should just go home while I still can, but before I can decide, there she is, sitting down on the other side of the table. I’m still kind of stunned by how beautiful she is and why the fuck she would want to be here with me, but as is I’m gonna take what I can get.
We end up having a really nice time, eating dinner then going to a movie (I know, cliche but it was fun) then I dropped her off at home since she took a cab there. By the time I get home my cheeks are sore from smiling so much and I’m really shocked. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. Not since Madison, but lord knows that ended horribly.
Renae is waiting for me on my bed and we stay up for hours talking about my night until our friend Chase shows up then Renae makes me spill all the details to him as well. I don’t fall asleep until almost sunrise, knowing I’ll regret it at my morning classes but not caring.
I was right. So much regret. Too bad Mr. H doesn’t let us sleep during his extremely boring lecture on Folie à deux, or the Madness Of Two. I could use a nap. I only catch bits and snippets of the lecture anyway, nodding off and waking every once in awhile to Mr. H saying something about delusional beliefs and hallucinations or someone transmitting their beliefs and hallucinations onto someone else until they too are hallucinating and believing everything the first one was. Boring. Like that could ever actually happen.
Later that day when I finally get home I’m so glad to see my bed I nearly cry as I fall back onto it. Next thing I know Chase is there shaking me awake and holding coffee under my nose. I groan and reluctantly sit up to take it from him. We hang out for the rest of the day until he has to go home to his boyfriend.
Eight months later
Things are going really well. Jack and I are still going strong, Renae found a boyfriend, Chase and his boyfriend are engaged and I’m planning on proposing to Jack soon. All that and the deadline for the hitman I idiotically hired to kill me is going to be up in a weeks time. Guess it really was just some dumbass looking for money. I’m glad it was.
Three days later I’m packing Jack and I’s stuff into my jeep to go away to a cabin for the weekend, stashing the ring box in the bottom of my suitcase. We drive the whole way with the windows down and the music blaring without a care in the world. Two hours later we get to the cabin and unpack our stuff. It’s almost dark so I start a fire in the fireplace while Jack changes then we sit in front of the fire until we both fall asleep.
I wake up some time later to find the seat next to me on the couch empty and cold and I frown, getting up and wandering upstairs looking for Jack. What I was not prepared for was to go into our bedroom and find Jack blindfolded, gagged and tied to a chair with a lot of bruises and cuts. I stand completely still for a moment before jumping into action to get my unconcious almost fiance loose. Before I get to her someone wearing a plain white mask with a white hoodie and jeans to match steps out from behind the closet door holding a bloody knife in one hand and a gun in the other, standing in my way.
I stop dead in my tracks, terrified, and look around for the nearest weapon, seeing nothing. “Who are you?” I manage to stutter after a moment. They stay completely silent and point to the chair next to Jacks, which has ties at the feet and armrests I quickly get the message and sit in the chair so they might let Jack go, staying completely still as they tie me into it.
But then as soon as the last rope is tied I hear chuckling from beside me, quickly looking over to Jack who is laughing now and easily slipping out of the ropes and taking off the blindfold and gag. I furrow my eyebrows and start to struggle, confused and scared “what the hell is going on?” I try to say forcefully but it comes out as more of a squeak, making Jack laugh more.
I blink and pull harder, praying I’m dreaming as I blink tears from my eyes. It can’t be… This can NOT be happening it has to be a freakish nightmare. But then I feel the pinching and pulling of a knife going deep into my arm and scream, knowing now that it isn’t a dream. This is happening. “Who are you?” I yell at the person in the mask who then looks to Jack who shrugs “might as well, she’s gonna be dead by tomorrow anyway” she says casually and gets a washcloth from the dresser, wiping off the fake blood and bruises.
I turn to my other attacker as they pull the mask off, grinning. I know that grin. Those eyes, those cheekbones, those eyebrows, that face… Renae… Renae is my other attacker. My best friend and my girlfriend are attacking me.I have no idea why or how but it’s true. It must be, because it’s happening right in front of me.
I have no idea what to do. I willingly got into a chair to be tied up, my arm is aching and tears are streaming down my cheeks. So I say the only thing I can think of. “Why?” I whisper as Jack wipes off bruises and Renae lays down plastic, smirking. “You hired us. Well.. you hired me.” Renae says “I was just lucky enough to find someone crazy enough to help me torture you along the way.” she says and goes over to Jack, kissing her hard and making me look away, feeling sick.
It’s then I realize that the ties on my right hand are a little loose. Just loose enough for me to slip out if I had time. But I have to wait for the right moment or it could go horribly wrong. Like it or not, I’m getting out of here. I am not dying tonight. My left arm is aching where the knife is still sticking out of it and I get an idea. A horrible idea, but the only one I’ve got.
I pretend to pass out from blood loss, which I’m very close to doing anyway, thanks to my only way out of here. The knife sticking out of my arm. I hear Renae's over dramatic groan I’ve heard a million times and I feel sick all over again that my best friend could do this to me. But I stay still until she gets close. Close enough to pat my face to wake me up.
As soon as she touches me I yank my arm free, rip the knife out of my arm and before I can stop myself, stab the knife into Renae’s neck, crying and yelling as I do. I appear to have shocked Jack, who stands there shell shocked and staring at Renae as I cut through the thankfully thin ropes holding down my legs and my other arm.
Just as she snaps back into reality she screams in rage and charges so I do the only thing I can think of. I throw my chair at her, not looking back to see if it hit her as I run past, down the stairs and out the front door, staring in horror as I see the jeeps front tire slashed. I hear another yell from in the house and curse, knowing I don't have long to hide.
I run off into the woods to hide (I know, said no one that survived a horror movie ever.) and jump behind an old fallen down log, barely keeping in a scream as I land on my arm, which is bleeding badly by now.
“Oh Morgan where are you?” I hear Jack call out in a sing-song voice, making me shiver. Or maybe that’s the blood loss. I have to get to a hospital. I look around the tree carefully and see her not far away, quickly ducking behind the tree and wincing when I crunch some leaves, knowing she heard me.
I hear a chuckle and slow footsteps drawing closer, panicking I climb up the tree I’m hiding behind quietly, barely getting up in time. “Oh Morgan? Come on out, I heard you” Jack sing songs again and in a panic, I drop down right above her with my knife pointed right for her neck and knowing I’ll hit my target. As soon as my feet touch the ground I take off running towards the jeep, not wanting to see Jacks bloody body, no matter if she was psychotic or not.
I sob and collapse to my knees next to the car, telling myself I have five seconds then I’ll get up. One. I see Jack on our first date. Two. I see Renae and her boyfriend sitting on the couch. Three. I see Renae taking off that horrible mask. Four. I see Jack laughing and wiping away bruises. Five. I see their dead bodies. The ones that I killed. And I get up. Telling myself I can break after I get home.
I rip off a strip of my shirt and tie it around my arm to try and stop the bleeding a little before I set to changing the tire on my jeep. I get to a hospital an hour later and stumble into the emergency room. I made it. And then… I just break. I scream and wail and sob, not caring who’s watching. After awhile I just go numb. Staring into space and feeling my cheeks dry with no more tears to wet them.
I am free. Yet I am broken once again.