For me it was formidable work to comprehend and share the feelings of other people. Learning how to empathize with others really did feel like I was reaching and stretching out with my feelings. Those skills were foreign to me as they were heavily atrophied. I struggled figuring out how to connect with others. I was so clumsy, it felt like I was tripping over my own two feet on my first day of Taekwondo training. I was no black belt!
"Stretch out with your feelings!" - Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars IV)
When I did manage to connected and truly empathize with others, I was suddenly confronted with the realization that my own behaviours and words were hurting other people. I felt their pain as a result of what I said or did! Even more surprising was the guilt and shame that I experienced as a result.
I suddenly felt ashamed of being the instrument that caused pain and suffering in others. Feeling guilty for the years of emotional and mental abuse that I caused my wife, kids and friends, was almost unbearable. Healing from this deeply profound realization required a complete paradigm shift in thinking and behaving.
Beating myself up over the guilt and shame would not serve me either. I had to find a way to forgive myself. I accomplished that goal by walking the path of righteousness and recognizing that I AM a different man than I was prior to 2001. It took years but I finally forgave myself, which resulted in a lightened load on my heart, mind and body. It allowed me to move forward with my life. I will never forget the violence that I used against those that I love most. I now use the experience to support the work that I do today as a way to self check in order to ensure I don't go there ever again.
I've learned to love myself which means that I will not engage in violence against another. I make mistakes and do my best to fix them and continue my life dedicated to peace.
What saddens me most is to realize that my position in life is now considered 'extreme' by others.
This morning an individual wrote on one of my posts:
"Anyone that takes a social media platform to the extreme of having to compare flags as “violent” deserves to be mocked."
I know where this comes from. I used to think and behave in this way, I know it all too well. This is written out of frustration but also out of fear. If this individual empathized with others, he would quickly be confronted with the pain that results from these types of actions. That would then be followed up with guilt and shame. Most people avoid empathizing with others in order to avoid these feelings so that they can continue justifying their behaviours. It is not comfortable at all!
Nobody deserves to be mocked. Nobody! This is a covert violent attempt to induce shame and ridicule to support their position while attempting to tear down others.
It is a desperate attempt to justify behaviours to avoid the consequences; empathy, pain, sorrow, sadness, fear, guilt, shame and other uncomfortable results. I forgive this individual for what they said. I muted the individual, but it does not stop them from lashing out.
My view points jeopardize their actions as it takes away their justification. Lashing out is one of the last resorts they have to maintain their position. This is classic as this is exactly the types of behaviours I would engage in prior to 2001.
This type of emotional violence is very common. It may seem like it is no big deal, but it is a big deal. Feelings are sacred and must be respected as they are the foundation of our own truth. Emotional outbursts in order to manipulate or control the feelings of others is violent!
I am a master blackbelt at covert emotional and mental violence. While I recognize and mastered the behaviour, I do not condone it. Many people may find that type of comment okay, but I view it as abusive and violent. This is a violent attempt to shame or humiliate, which is an emotional and mental manipulation. I don't fall for this any more and I am call it out in the open. I rebuke violent behaviours and I will use them as examples for the public to see and evaluate.
I no longer take on this energy and I put it back where it came from, on the individual who wrote those violent words.
Having the courage to do this level of healing work ended up with an unforeseen manifestation that I did not anticipate. By being able to empathize with people so deeply, I've made significant emotional and even spiritual connections with people. There is no better feeling in the world than hearing somebody express their feelings as tears run down their cheek as they sob through their words.
Previously that would make me feel very uncomfortable. But now I find deep connection with others when we share at such a deep emotional, mental and even spiritual level. I find myself experiencing it more and more as people feel safe to share on my blog, through private messages and even face-to-face.
My life has been deeply enriched by taking the risks, working through the pain and other uncomfortable feelings. By finding ways to do this type of work, I find that nothing else really matters. Life really is all about our relationships!
I know my views are foreign, strange and to some, even extreme. Perhaps it is time to recognize that the violent behaviour is what is extreme and peace should be viewed as a norm to work towards as our ultimate goal in life.
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