"How many people did you kill?"
Aside from being very distasteful to ask, it is insulting. I will start with mentioning that in two services and 12 years I never killed anyone. I know many that have and the only time they talk about it is when it is on their terms. This is NOT the only struggle of veterans. The idea that it is some validation is outrageous. We are not Hollywood actors.
Late summer of 2010, my friend and I were having a smoke at morning prayer time (this is denoted by the singing every morning before the sun rises). We were standing outside of Al Faw palace in Baghdad and the call to prayer began playing all over. After completion, there was only a moment of silence before a shock from a massive explosion hit. Every cell in my body felt it. A massive plume of smoke began to rise that you could only see because the light from the city (still dark at this time) could not pass through the opaque smoke. I was trying to keep my calm about watching the moment that I suspected was the last for many. I broke the silence to my friend, but all I could say was "how many do you think just got it?". Drew is a much better man than I am and corrected me and let me know that it was messed up to take something like this so lightly. We stayed awkwardly silent after that.
The truth is I hadn't taken it lightly, I just didn't know how to react. It turned out to be a vehicle borne improvised explosive device that was used, the death count was staggering with 3 times that amount in severe injuries. I watched in direct line of sight, the last moments of many lives and although not the worst thing I have seen, it was an experience that deeply affected me. My reaction cannot be justified, how could I have been so careless with life? I have a mind for numbers and remember them very well, so naturally I started doing the math in my head, figuring out just how many lives were affected by the blast. 60+ dead, 120 parents that lost a child, 240 grandparents that lost a grandchild, countless children that lost a parent, wives, husbands, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, all lost someone in that blast. I finally had perspective on the effects of people being mass murdered before my eyes.
My point in telling the story is to present the point that experiences vary, and they are hard to explain to people at times. There is nothing wrong with asking questions, but be kind, our experiences are difficult. Some much more difficult than others, and its not a contest to see who had it worse. We were sent into bad circumstances, we survived those circumstances. To be asked such a thoughtless question "so how many people did you kill?", it trivializes much of the struggle and it is not appropriate, especially to those that have had the misfortune of taking life.
I once demonstrated this to a middle aged woman that asked slightly differently, "how many people did you see die?", this question was more personal because I hadn't killed anyone, but I have seen many die. She did it smugly as if anything I would say was entertainment for her, and it was in front of several other people at a social gathering. There was a silence for a moment, and then the rage inside me that she would carelessly ask this question peaked and I replied with a question "how many times has your husband f$%ked you in the @$S?". Her husband was sitting next to her was noticeably embarrassed and she was trying to get angry and I think it set in just how inappropriate the question was. Clearly, I left shortly after.
I am not advocating for my reaction and I wish I had handled it differently. I do think there is some value in the reaction because none of us would question that carelessly asking a woman about her sex life with her husband sitting next to her with other people around, is extremely rude and inappropriate. Perhaps, people will learn that this too is something that is inappropriate in social circles unless it is brought up by the primary source, the veteran.