"A man who can't deal with his emotions will never be able to hold space for yours.
He will be running away even if you fall and blame it all on you.
You will not be able to open."
🦚 It's very popular these days to point a finger at someone who isn't emotionally available and call them a narcissist.
The whole spiritual community is overflowing with victimized ladies and terrible (ex) partners, gurus, (massage) therapists, and teachers who have been using, abusing, and damaging those women for so long.
These people are often men because they were taught to deny their emotions, are not taking responsibility for their part in the relationship but it doesn't make them narcissists.
It makes them traumatized, hurt, immature, unhealed but it doesn't mean they meant to hurt. They just didn't learn to express themselves safely. They didn't learn how to share their emotions and how to deal with them. They are separated from their heart.
Blaming and 'inboxing' will not change anything. It will even make it worse because it will program the counterpart into believing that they are being victimized. That is actually also narcissistic behavior because all they do is blame and never take the responsibility for their part in the game. Even if it is just 1%
we all have our share.
🦚 As an example, I remember a story of a known spiritual teacher who claims to be raped by her guru/teacher while she was in the school of tantra. The guy asked her to come over, while she already heard stories about his abuse, she went and had sex with him. She hated it. (I can't blame her when looking at this guy) But then she did it again, not once, but two more times. Probably just to be sure, right? And of course, after that, she hated him.
In fact, she hated herself for being cheap, she felt unsatisfied and empty. Used and abused.
She projected it onto this man, labeled it rape, and nicely used it years later for her marketing during the #metoo movement. And it landed well by thousands of ladies who follow her. It resonated perfectly with their own experiences and it was exactly what the collective field was identifying itself with.
For me this is crazy.
She chose to let the guy use her to get the certificate from this particular famous school even though she hated it there and as she claimes cried after the lessons which were very women unfriendly and disrespectful. But that paper!
And now, the world is one more victim richer. Not realizing how we are harming ourselves by lowering our vibrations to the lowest levels where all the tragedy is waiting to be experienced.
🦚 In my relationship there were so many situations when my partner was unavailable or even hard on me for seemingly no reason and when we've reflected on it later, the deep-rooted pains and traumas of a little boy and little girl came to the light.
It doesn't mean my partner is a narcissist because he is in fact the sweetest and most generous man I've ever met. It just shows the spots that he never dared to touch, maybe he wasn't ready to see them yet but usually after such an emotional experience I get the insides and share them with him. I guide him to his innerstanding and then, a few times the theme will reappear until it's resolved.
That is how healing works.
When we suppress our emotions they become our shadows. From the darkness, they will take control of our lives and our behavior. Instead of being in the driver's seat, we become a passenger on a bus that is very often headed at high speed into the abyss.
These shadows, the little monsters, are not aware of the damage they are bringing into one's life. They act instinctively. The known fight or flight programming.
And here we find the resemblance between the narcissist and the victim.
The narcissist uses the fight programming whilst the victim falls into 'I have to run away' programming.
It doesn't make any of them real narcissists.
They just haven't healed their trauma, the victimhood. Because both are (re)acting from the same level of hurt, the victimized child.
And on that frequency, the victims attract partners who will behave as if they are narcissists until the victim is healed and transformed.
🦚 Victimhood is the lowest frequency attracting the worst experiences.
I've been living this for many years, unaware, always pointing my finger.
Always feeling as if the world hates me, as if I don't belong.
And then one day this man was sent on my path. Not by coincidence. I was asking for it.
I was asking for purging, for enlightenment.
The depth of love I felt was mesmerizing.
The pain of each fall was terrifying.
He did the exact opposite of all I thought I would receive in this relationship.
I felt victimized.
I felt alone.
I felt abandoned.
I was sure he was a narcissist.
I've researched all I could about it.
I knew I had to leave him.
But because I've let Love guide me I also started to realize that he abandoned me because I've abandoned myself.
That he doesn't take care of me the way I wished for because I didn't take care of myself.
That he wasn't taking responsibility for our relationship because I wasn't taking responsibility for me.
He wasn't in for 100% because I wasn't in for 100%.
He blamed me because I blamed him.
All he ever wanted was to love me, be with me and enjoy our life.
All I did was project my childhood traumas and try to run away.
🦚 I was abandoned by my father.
I was beaten by my mother.
I was abused sexually by a grandfather I barely knew.
Both my grandmothers wanted me to be aborted.
I've learned that I am not good enough, I am worthless, I don't deserve anything good and especially not love.
People used me, stole from me, treated me like dirt. I was a victim.
This man who didn't hold my hand made all of this extremely visible. I couldn't go around it,
I couldn't deny it, I couldn't suppress anything anymore.
For the past eight years, I've been working through my insecurities, jealousy, lack of self-confidence, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, self-hate, depression, and a deeply rooted wish to die.
While I was getting healed our relationship was getting better and more harmonious.
There was more innerstanding for each other, more freedom, more compassion flowing in.
I used to think he was breaking me while in fact, I needed the cracks to peel off all the layers of dirt I was covered in.
I became strong and independent.
I became me again. And that was worth all the pain of self-reflection.
~Nika 🦚
