4 years ago I made a commitment to 3 little kids and their mother to be the best person I could be for them. Although somethings have happened in-between now and then I don't know what I would do if i lost them. To say that I love them all isn't for a single doubt questionable in anyway.
In the beginning of all of this they were 4,9 and 10. Today we are 8,12 and 14. It has been a long time, even though it doesn't seem that way it has been a long time. The things I have with the kids and their mom I wouldn't trade for a single thing in the world.
8- He is crazy, spunky and has an entire cloud of energy all the time. It has been the longest one on one time with him since the beginning. Even to the point now where i notice things that i do that aren't really appropriate that he mocks. To be a better person for him is the only thing i want to be. a better person for all 4 of them.
12- She is loud, determined and has a whole bunch of fire behind her mouth. She is independent and minds her own in certain situations.
14- He is quiet and determined in his own ways to make things happen. He is smarter then he gives himself credit for. He makes me proud with how far he has come and grown over all this time, 14 4 years ago and 14 now are completely different people. Although in the beginning we clashed a lot harder then we do now. I couldn't imagine my family with out him or his siblings.
in all this time they have taught me many things, to be patient , to be considerate, to be open minded and so much more. They might not be my kids my blood, But i refer to them as mine because they are my heart . They hold a piece of me inside of them weather they know it or not. I will NEVER not choose them or choose to be with them. I love them more then I could explain to anyone. They might push my buttons to the max but I push them too. I want them to have respect for others, use there manors, be kind. I want them to know what its like to be loved by a parent since one of theirs chooses not to. I want it to be known again that I will always choose them. They always come first.
And as far as her, She is my female version of a knight in shiny whatever. I am tough, I am an asshole and I am stubborn. She is the one person who I can count on to push me as hard as I push her. I have done things I'm embarrassed of. I have done things that she shouldn't stand by me after but still is. People can say that I am a liar and all this other crap that you want to say but just because I lied to you about something doesn't mean that I lie to everyone. I cant walk away from a family I wanted so badly. So regardless of things that were done. It will neve happen again and I can proudly promise that. I was in a bad place before and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel of darkness I was in by looking into her eyes. She loves me more then I love my self. I love her more then anything I have ever loved before in my life as well. It is baffling to me how much just one person could possibly mean to you. I cant imagine a day with out her. Good, bad, fighting, not speaking any kind of day I cant even think of it not being spent with this person or around this person. I need her. I need her laugh, her smile and all of the small quirky things that she does. She is also strong, tries to be independent, determined and luscious. She is extravagant and breathtaking. I love her with every ounce of my being. I will forever worship the ground she stands on for giving me another chance. I will never do things I did before again. Rolling over in the morning to see her beautiful face was no doubt one of the biggest things I missed when I was trying to stand up again.
I feel like when the bad things first started I fell into a hole and I didn't know how to get out because I was attempting to keep peace in numerous worlds. The hole was 100 feet deep and just kept getting deeper and no matter what I did to get out it just kept falling. I feel like because I made that mistake that automatically discredited me from anything. How can someone forgive me after that? Even though terms were different I still didn't and don't understand how it can be pushed under the rug so to say. I feel like i was expected to be someone I wasn't. I was wanted to do things that I didn't want. It was no longer me calling my own shots. I was trapped in a situation I should have never allowed my self to be in. I was being controlled by someone else trying to not make my work life miserable but keep my home life calm. It wasn't ever going to work and it was only a matter of time until it blew up and it sure did. I am not going to sit here and talk shit on that person cause honestly I don't care about them not even in the slightest and that's okay because its over with. Chapter over, page turned and thanking a million things for it.
Honestly I am ok with the fact that it all blew up because its over but still here we end up talking about it. Although at this point its very clear. There was no love , no hope , wants or desires. The only want there was was out. I tried numerous times to walk away quietly but it kept blowing up into something bigger.
The things that happened happened for the wrong reasons. They say that I used a scape goat but I think that it was just someone blaming me for them not getting what they wanted out of a situation they couldn't control. I said a lot of things I didn't mean , things that I shouldn't have said and a lot of things I shouldn't have done.
I regret all of it.
I always stood by choosing my family
I don't know why it even happened but it will never happen again
anyway back to Monday.. random babble is over.
love your kids
love your partner
get rid of that word step
step mom step kid step family.
I choose them to be my family which does not mean there is a step between.
#loveyourpartner
#lovelife
#love
#family
#chooseyourfamily
#chooseyourself
#loveyourfamily
#loveyourkids
#lovelove