I am fucked up…I do not feel appreciated in my group of friends.
But it is not a thing of today, in every single group I have been, I always felt like an impostor.
So it is something related to me. I am so freaking dependent of others approval.
And people can feel it, people can smell it.
I am a very pessimistic kind of person, I do not know if it is a defence mechanism but I suspect it is like that.
I am living in a continuous state of fear anxiety and panic of being left alone and being left behind.
I do not want to do my best. Because it would be people telling me the things I do not want to here.
They will tell me that I am way too soft. That I do not really want it.
They gave their freaking bloody best without hesitation. I find it hard to be optimistic.
At least I am afraid of what is coming after me. Do not give up on yourself. Try again.
Try to freaking enjoy the night. That’s it.
Even if I am not getting results I feel that I am stronger than I used to be.
That is a good new.
The fear of loneliness is my wife…It is the thing that has been driving me crazy for all this time. I am trying to observe it without
judgement.
As Simon told you, you have to do an EFFORT A very big EFFORT.
I do not know why I feel the need to be liked by everyone when my parents have loved me so freaking crazy always.
I mean I do not have a mayor complain.
The only thing that keeps me moving is the fear of GOD whatever that might be.
Thank you for reading
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