Last year I all but missed the Autumn psilocybin mushroom season in Scotland, gathering just enough for a single trip which I eventually took on Hogmanay – New Year's eve. I no longer take substances for social-recreational purposes as such – I'm almost always by myself anyway. I use the experience to explore deep aspects within and to just float in the lightness of being; meditating, walking in the woods and hills, listening to music, spending time with Shanti - that kind of thing.
So, on 31 Dec 2017 I was by myself, in my room, being lead/guided through the healing magic of the trip. I experienced a purging - submerged in heavy, suffocating and torturous states of mind the likes of which I had not experienced for a long time, and which I had thought to have left behind. It was both a reminder of the seeming fragility of things mental, and, at the same time, a clear demonstration to me of their transitory and illusory, nature. I surfaced cleansed, relieved and grateful. I then embarked upon a Mandy(or Molly)-instigated bliss-out as the midnight fireworks lit up the night sky over Edinburgh. Shanti kept me company as I sat cross-legged, soaking up the love and radiating it back across the universe. In this state I sent out a humble request for help - I wished to know the next step in my disengagement from the Matrix. I let it float up and away, not particularly expecting an immediate response and indeed, none came :).
Now I work with the elderly, and around 10 days per month. I have been doing this for 18 months and the employer is a company with nation-wide tentacles. I find a lot of reward in activity that integrates kindness, consideration and patience – the 12 hour shifts fly by, and I do not work more than two days in succession. Work is nearby and I have now found a comfortable balance where I earn according to my spendings and want for nothing. I have the space in between to arrive at work feeling fresh and energised. It is the most authentic job I have ever done and I have learnt a lot from the experience. Nevertheless, I am uncomfortable working for an organisation that ultimately – over and above the à la carte menus and glossy brochures – seeks to profit from the elderly and vulnerable. The highest priority is the obligation to the shareholders, which means that turning a profit always comes first. The consequences of this twisted prioritising permeate the system and drive it firmly in directions which are unnatural and frankly, unacceptable to my current way of being. I have to abide by it to some degree, even if most of the time I am simply being with the residents and seeking to serve their needs. However, by continuing to work there, I am colluding with this system and giving it my tacit and unwilling approval!
Anyhow, so, in this context, disengaging from the Matrix implies, for me, no longer serving the kind of energies that feed off others. However well presented, profiting from the sick and elderly seems parasitic to me. I have respect for my colleagues who do what they can, but for the most part, they seem to regard the system as immutable and all-powerful, and themselves as weak and helpless. Few of them have energy to spare – they work long hours, typically 4 x 12-hour shifts per week, and have kids, spouses and other pressures to deal with at home. I feel fortunate.
So I let float my Hogmanay desire for change in this regard. I had felt a change to be imminent for a while, but didn't have any clarity on how or what or when – moving sideways to a similar job would be pointless. My approach is to earn what I need through the least violent means possible (i.e. the violence inflicted on myself and others by engaging in falsehood, even at the subtlest of levels). I'm not interested in maximising earnings and most advertised jobs, even at minimum wage, require levels of violence greater than what I am engaged in at present. This has left me with no real option but to continue where I am, and I was cool with it, knowing that something would come along eventually – I have full confidence in the Universe.
I'm not saying that that something was Steemit....well actually, I wonder if I am! After offering up my request to the Universe, I entered the first day of 2018 in a sweet mood and came across an older video (Aug 2017) of Dan Dicks (@pressfortruth) on Youtube interviewing Adrien M. (@heimindanger), the creator of d.tube. Intrigued by the concept and scarcely able to believe such a thing could exist, I visited d.tube and, upon trying to create an account, I was directed to Steemit.com – yaay! I applied and promptly forgot I had done so. A couple of days later I saw the link to activate my account and got hooked.
Although the concept is radical and I love it, I must say that it is more than the possibility of earning an income that has been so uplifting over this past month for me on Steemit. I mean, I don't follow a strategy of maximizing my earnings in the physical world anyway - I have enough for my needs and my time is far more precious! I have also been learning to perceive and experience abundance (and I do) in the physical world, where the game is set up for a fear-based scarcity mindset. The foundational philosophy of Steemit seems to have an abundance mindset built into its very core and this resonates well with me. Earning is part and parcel of the process of engaging with the Steemit platform, a by-product or side-effect of the activity of self-expression (as it presents itself to me). Although the potential for an income undeniably provides background motivation and incentive to engage, I do not myself need to actively manage, project or plan for numbers - it's impossible to know how @barge will do in this regard anyway.
What I am truly delighted about is having found my voice. There is a blockchain to record it, and this cannot be messed with; there is a potential audience that ranges from welcoming & open, to neutral & polite, but almost never gratuitously malicious - plenty of willing support. It's different here and very encouraging, a space where I am not identified primarily by external factors. I can have the security of partial anonymity behind @barge, yet find that through his agency, my eternal voice - mostly silent for many long years - can be exercised, find its way around and gradually gain in confidence.
I'm finding that the quality of my experience is proportionate to how much I express for myself, for me - and, actually, for me alone! Then I can share the output - with joy. You, who grace my page with your presence, do so because it is your freewill choice - I would like to keep it that way. I have no desire to follow time-tables, schedules or deadlines; no wish to raise expectations that may cause me to have to live up to something or the other; no selling myself short by comparisons with others; no crowd-following. If I feel something flow, I can just let it flow as long as I am not distracted by placing energy on spinning numbers of followers or Steem dollars. I check those numbers frequently enough – no shame in it – just saying that I'm aware that when my attention is drawn towards personal gain (dollars/followers/rep etc) – and this could be as subtle as the impulse to please/appease - there is a corresponding dip in creative energy and a break in its flow. There is the high of course – the excitement, the ticking numbers, checking back to see if interest has been generated etc etc – and it's a lot of fun. But there's more going on – that is not quite my Omega point!
In an exchange with Steemian @wwf, he concluded his comment with the words “I appreciate your courage to speak your peace.“ I pondered the phrase to speak one's peace along with the context in which it had been used. I realised that typo (peace/piece) or not, it carried a meaning that resonated with me - I have since even used it in a comment myself :). Thinking about what that meaning was, I realised that for me, speaking my peace was the same as expressing myself into a state of peace, or rest. In other words, giving expression to what is inside and wishes to come out, allows the peace of balance and rest to manifest within. Thus, not speaking my peace – not expressing myself truly (for myself) – is to retain a frustration within of what has not been allowed out – this is restless energy, and I find it disruptive.
I do not know if future Steemit earnings will allow me to quit the job, although I think it is likely, even probable. Regardless of how and when this may happen, I have already been gifted a novel state of being; this blissful lightness when I speak my peace – it is priceless!
This concludes a rather long and meandering post on how and why I came to be on Steemit and how I feel about it just now. Thanks for reading.
Namaste
