Hello everyone. Just wanted to introduce myself and tell my story.
I just quit my well paying, secure, miserable job/career. For the last 8 and a half years I was in emergency dispatch and although I loved helping people I loathed my life. Everyday was a constant battle with compartmentalizing. Imagine, if you will, a rolodex in your brain where files have to be stored to pull for future use. In the beginning it was easy. I would drop the file in the slot and move on. After some time though, probably about the 5 year mark, the files started to drop in the homework file.
You see, people don't call the police or 911 because they are having a good day. It was a constant barrage of he said she said, suicide, sickness, murder, domestic issues, rape, telephonic CPR, traffic accidents, barking dogs, traffic violations, etc. The list goes on and on. The worst for me was a man crying, sobbing really, for his wife while I gave him instructions on CPR. I knew with all of my experience that she wasn't going to make it and it stung me on the inside as he begged her not to leave him. Thats the kind of thing that gets put in the wrong file in the rolodex.
That being said, I turned into something I was never raised to be. My mother was very spiritual. We were taught that life is what you make it and if your circumstances didnt fit what you wanted in your life you, and only you, had the power to change it. It was ingrained in me at an early age that you would never be satisfied if you looked anywhere else but inside for your happiness. I guess I must have forgotten all that in the spirit of wanting to be of service to my community.
I woke up one morning with the absolute clarity that I could no longer suffer with my callers. I could not abandon my happiness and my life for the sake of others. As I write that it sounds selfish but I believe it's about time I take responsibility for my choices. Is it really selfish to reclaim my life and my path? I got up showered, put on my badge and headed to work. The whole day I sat there asking myself what the hell I was doing. Why was I still breaking my spirit?
I realized that as long as I continued to work in a place full of negativity I was never going to be able to be at peace. I had tried meditation and medication and nothing was satiating the ugliness that clawed at my insides. (Had I known all along I was meditating on the wrong area in my life this life change would have happened way sooner.) It was time for me to get out. I cried a lot after turning in my notice. Its like I was addicted to the sadness and I was letting go of a hand I had held for so long. Is it possible to be codependent on a career? I absolutley believe that it is. I have never been cliff jumping before but I can imagine that this is what it feels like.
In a leap of faith I have left fianancial security in the knowing that everything I need and/or want is right within my reach if I'm willing to go for it. So here I am. All in on my life. Ready to take the reins and let the pony run. Everyday I see things manifest in actual tangible ways and in purely mental ways that let me know that I made the right decision for me. If you are thirsting for more of my story or are interested in the workings of this brain follow me!