I went to a job interview two days ago. It seemed to be going well. Very well. I was about to get hired when I was asked a question that I didn't know the answer to. This is not just some question. It was a question that anyone applying for this job would have been expected to know, and like most similar knowledge based theory based questions....I had no idea. And so in the end I didn't get the job.
As I walked home I thought not about how I missed this job but about the fact that I am so opposed to faking anything that I can't work any job with any standards. That is not to say that I am not valuable. It just confirms what I've known all along, that there is no metric available to measure or even recognize my value.
Does anyone else feel that way? That you are so damn valuable but that your value is systematically ignored because it is so far outside of the norm?
I could have easily faked an answer at my interview. But the action of doing so was so distasteful to me that I sacrificed an income double what I'm making now and a chance to live in my favorite neighborhood.
I love that I'm able to maintain that level of integrity, but it's put me in difficult situations so many times that I've tried to force myself to lie or fake it. I can't. It feels exactly the same way it would to sacrifice a loved one for a stack of cash.
Not only am unemployable, the idea of promoting myself in any complex fashion is so distasteful for me that I feel drained as soon as I thinking about it. And so I have repeatedly lost opportunities.
If I'm being honest with myself, none of those opportunities were really exactly what I wanted, and could have even been less pleasing than my situation right now. But where are those good opportunities?
The answer is simple, they don't exist...yet.
I need to make them out of nothing. It seems like a huge task and so I've been running in circles most of my life.
As I was walking and talking to @vincentnijman, who helped me stay above water when I wanted to drown myself, I realized there is one approach i haven't tried that is the opposite of faking it.
What if I try to maintain RADICAL honesty. Not just "Hey I don't know the answer to this question that I'm supposed to know". What if I let everyone around me know that I'm spiritual and I'm an anarchist? That would include my current boss, students, potential students, friends of friends who really don't get it, neighbors, and anyone who tries to give me typical advice?
What if I really stop caring what anyone thinks of me, not just inside, but to the point where I stop fearing how it will effect my life? What if I tell people openly about my controversial views even if it puts me in such a vulernable place that it could ruin my life?
I know it sounds crazy, but what choice do i have? It's cruising along with 0 savings and not much freedom, faking it and forcing myself back into 0 freedom in order to gain resources which seems to be far more painful for me than it is for others, or risking it all for everything.
I already tell all of my students about my belief and experience in Chinese medicine and meditation. I've mentioned to 3 or 4 of them that I dabble in Bitcoin and have joined protests, and I even told one of them that I was homeless and don't believe in marraige or an education system. Why don't I just stop hiding all of it from any of them who seem curious about me? Why don't I promote myself in a way that makes clear my disdain for promotion, without being derrogatory or obnoxious?
These beliefs and others (particularly my stance on substances which are essentially seen as evil here) are sure to upset some people and could very easily cost my Visa or worse. But I made it this far on faith in myself and in humanity, why not keep pushing the boundary. Isn't that what artists are supposed to do?
I have love in my heart, I trust that enough people will see that and not attack my vulnerabilities just because we disagree, and k trust that if by chance a problem does arise because of my controversial views, there will be enough people to back me up to assure that everything ends up ok.
