Preface
This has been hard for me to write about because it has been one of the parts of myself that I have wanted to hide from others for a while now. I've done a very god job at this and is the reason why mostly all of my friends would be surprised to know that I have this happen to me, since I seem like "one of the most relaxed and chill people" that they know. Yet keeping this part of me hidden I feel has taken a toll on me and has only made this problem worse over time.
Because of this I no longer want to keep this hidden and I would like to express this part of myself in a way to were I can grow stronger than it, instead of it growing stronger than me. The darkness can not grow within the light, therefore I feel the best way to do this is by practicing transparency of myself, so please feel free to ask me any questions that you would like. Thank you for reading and I appreciate your time
P.S. Since this was originally hard for me to write, I decided to make it a hulk theme to make it more light hearted and fun for myself_
That moment when it happens
My mind goes blank, all I can hear is yelling; It's myself yelling. Feeling the blood rush to my head, making it buzz with confusion. My eyes become unclear yet I can see myself pointing my finger at someone telling them how they're wrong and emphasizing all the flaws that they have. While yelling so loud that I strain my voice, feeling my throat vibrate, knowing that it is going to be sore later on. All of this starting just because one thing that a person said that offended me or that I felt threatened me in someway. As I start to calm down, wishing that they hadn't said that but knowing deep inside me that it was also my reaction that caused all of this to happen.
Most of the time, all of this starts from me seeing them angry or frustrated and emphatically feeling like it is directed at me. Then I unconsciously put myself in a position were I'm the target of those emotions that the person is having, aggravating the situation even more, even though the emotions of the person were not originally meant to be directed at me. But if the person was saying something that was directed at me (with there emotions increasing the severity of the situation if there angry or upset) and I felt like they were attacking me then I really get angry.
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
The victims of my explosive anger after experiencing it usually become more defensive or start crying; If they become defensive, I get more aggressive towards them until they back down. If they start crying, then I hold off my anger towards them with minimal aggression until I calm down; Usually defending myself by saying things to them like "if you just wouldn't talk about that one thing I wouldn't get upset" or I tell them "try to be more calm when doing that one thing next time". Once I finally calm down, then I feel exhausted from all my energy being expended in such an intense way. Sometimes I even cry afterwards as a release because of feeling so much stress and out of control; It almost becomes relaxing to cry in those moments.
Through out all of this I've noticed the instinct within myself to deny or ignore that part of me even exists. A tendency comes up for me to try to explain what the other person did wrong, as if that justifies my behavior. I think this is because I'm trying to shift blame and the guilt I feel inside me onto the other person. Even if they also had equal or worse behavior than mine, that doesn't change the fact that I still reacted in a more aggressive way than was necessary. Instead of just becoming more non-reactive towards my external environment, I find myself trying to modify the peoples behavior around me to prevent my anger from activating. Doing things like pointing out related or unrelated hypocrisy's (past or present) in that person who I'm angry with always helps me feel less guilt over my irrational behavior when I talk about it before or after my rage.
It takes two to tango
So up until now I've been referring to the people I get angry towards as basically being any person, which isn't really true. Actually, this almost always only happens with people who I'm closest too in my life like my family, girlfriend, and sometimes in the past even my dog (hitting). This is weird for me because it seem like these people in my life should be some of the last people that this happens with. I really have no explanation to why this is either; Possible it happens because those people in my life are so close to me that I see them as a self reflection of who I am, including all the flaws I have too.
Also I've been describing the person that I express my anger towards as a victim, which isn't necessarily true either. A lot of the times it's a type of tension that builds between me and the other person, with small passive aggressive attacks over time. When they see how much it affects me, they do it even more. Then I feel that they are aggravating me on purpose. This is something that goes on for a while until at a certain point they say or do a certain thing that cause me to let my anger emotionally go out of control. Although my perspective is biased and probably even more biased in the moment when I'm feeling these emotions, I feel that its the other persons fault at least a little less than half if not even more. In the moment though when it's happening I feel like its completely there fault.
The ways that I've processed my anger in the past
In the past, when I start to get angry, I've only had two options: I can either express it or repress it.
If I express it, then the anger leaves my body. Finally escaping my system so I can feel more relaxed. Usually as a consequence this process involves yelling, most of the time directed at someone or some object close by to break. The benefit of this option being that I am not in pain emotionally and physically from swallowing the anger and letting it burn me inside over a long period of time.
If I repress it, the anger stays inside me; It never fully escapes and hurts me on a physical level, yet it protects people and objects around me from being emotionally hurt or broken (my otterbox protection case on my phone has protected it well but is barely able to protect my phone anymore). The downside is that, the pain of repressing it is strong and often just amplifies the anger inside me until the next time something triggers me.
My repression of my anger, even when it is not being expressed, creates a state of me always being angry.
Sometimes I would rather not make a big deal out of something when I feel angry, so I decide to just hide it and act like nothing bothered me. Yet when I choose to repress my anger like this, I feel it go deep inside me. When I do this I compulsively hold my breath more, tap nervously with my foot or hand, and generally do anything I can to distract myself from the feeling. Proving that I never really let go of what I was angry about, instead I chose to hold on to it letting it go deep inside me while it slowly burns me.
I think this is a defense mechanism that I've taught myself to protect against the fear that I have of being hurt. After an argument happens with someone or the person just said something that hurt me, I feel like they could do that again at anytime. So my defense for this that I've used in the past is to hold onto my anger towards that person, so I will remember and be ready for when they "attack me" the next time. but the problem with dealing with these emotion this way is that it's
1) not living in the present moment
2) predicting/assuming that the person will react in a negative way towards me again and
3) Ironically holding onto and recreating within me the very same experience that I fear happening to me again.
The new powerful truths that I've Learned about anger
Releasing myself from the anger that In the past I held onto was/is the greatest way that I can cleanse myself of the fire that use to burn within me. When I use to have this old defense mechanism, it was almost like having a hot coal thrown at me and me picking it up to hold onto it to throw back the next time I was attacked. In the mean time, while I am wasting my time waiting for this to happen again, I am also being burned by the very thing that I am afraid of hurting me.
I've learned that holding onto anger causes me to create more pain since its creating a negative false reality that Is not even happening in that moment; Creating something that I do not even desire. My new technique is let go of any past resentments with someone and then treat that person/everyone like they will connect with me in a kind, fun, generous and happy way at anytime in the future. This way I'm holding onto and creating a positive reality for myself, that could just as likely happen as the negative reality that I use to have. Seeing this positive potential aspect of each person creates an uplifting loving abundance within me and a feeling of freedom to interact with an open heart with each and every person that I meet.
Still growing and learning better ways to channel this part of myself
I'm still learning how I connect with each emotion that I feel and new ways to express myself everyday. I've also learned that the energy that I used to channel into anger sporadically, I can channel into other things instead.
The best way that I have found to channel this energy is to create some sort of strong physical or mental action. It can be a calculated action but there needs to be a degree of impulsiveness to it to really create that same charge; Expanding and pushing the limit of the things that I don't usually do in life. I've started working out in my backyard everyday and this has helped tremendously. My mind goes blank and the only thing I can focus on is continuing to move my body. Feeling every part of me pulsing creates a strength within me that nothing else ever has matched. I'm continuing to expand myself stronger and have continuous growth happening to my entire being everyday.
Image sources:
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Links:
https://soundcloud.com/user-890735555
I will be recording and uploading a hypnosis session in about a week from now on my new soundcloud account @Hypnosis Awakening that I just created. I've made this hypnosis session for myself to create a faster release of resentment, anger, or hate towards anyone that you know in your life. Focusing the mind more towards forgiveness and compassion towards others.
Feel free to ask any question you like or If you have any similar personal experiences that you would like to share, I invite you to express those things in the comments. Thank you for reading and may your life be blessed with growth and expanding conscious awareness
@ballinconscious
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