Hello to my readers!
I’m not sure that many read my journals at all, but I know I’ve been excited to re-read them.
So much thinking about an extremely interesting person. Me!
Perhaps I’m just writing this to myself. A message to the future. A placeholder in time.
So what would I tell my future self?
I’m in a good place. Well, its a place. Time will tell if it is good. For now, let’s just call it good.
I’d characterize my current life, as living from week to week, with no guarantees of security. At the end of each month, I’m fretting over my rent and pushing down a feeling of impending doom. There is something about this that adds a desperation to life and desperation is a great motivator.
I started to contemplate the worst possibilities. For a moment I was anxious. Then I let go of any expectations. Life would take me wherever it goes. The important part would be whether I could adapt myself to all possible circumstance. I began to contemplate that instead.
What if I went to prison? An unlikely outcome really. I haven’t done anything serious enough to warrant such a fear, but it would definitely be a unwelcome experience. Could I find the positive in a life of imprisonment? I think I could. I know I’d probably start off poorly. I usually do. Eventually though, I would come to realize that nobody could imprison my mind. Wherever I am, my thoughts are always in my possession. For better or worse.
Then I contemplated my identity. Who do I think I am? Is that true? Do I really have a self? Or is it an illusion?
Many years of searching have led to me to believe that I really am under many illusions with regards to myself. But I cling to it incessantly. Perhaps I should let go of that idea. So I began to explore that idea. Better to be prepared early.
I started meditating, again. The most obvious thing for me was how difficult it had become. Barely five seconds would pass and I was struggling to maintain my focus. Over several days, I began to let go of the struggle. The sages keep telling me that the interior silence is where all ancient wisdom proceeds from. Was I too scared to receive wisdom? It seemed so. Or maybe I had just lost my patience. That was probably more likely.
I’ve got to the point of letting go of the struggle. That was a rush of wisdom in itself. I can’t say I’ve had any revelations of ancient wisdom yet. Or maybe that is just it. Stop struggling. Relax. It is a good start anyway.
As providence would have it, my mother sent me a book for my birthday. It was entitled ‘The Book of Secrets’ by Deepak Chopra. It seems that letting go, has begun the process of life flowing through me again. So I’ll be meditating. Reflecting on meditations. Listening in the silence. Waiting for knowledge to be revealed. Discovering that being a drop of water in an ocean is not such a bad thing after all.
