This will probably end up as a rambling of nothingness but I did a huge thing today...

I made an appointment with a counselor.

That's huge for me. I had debated on it for quite some time, just the call alone scared the living hell out of me. Admitting I'm not as strong as I thought I was is really incredibly hard for me.

I know what you will say

You're not weak by needing some professional help. I get that. But I've always been the strong one in my family. I've been the one that they can lean on, that cleans up the mess, and that solves the problems. But if I can't solve my own what does that say about me?

So this was huge.

I've been dealing with a lot in my life. My mom having dual dementia, my dad - well, we wont go there, my brother only around when it's convenient and other issues I need to face head on.

I'm proud of myself

I don't say that a lot but I am. I'm excited, nervous and

relieved.

I feel as if I can breathe again. This will be good for me.

And I think it's fate.

I'm a Lutheran. I went through grade school, 2nd through 8th, in a Lutheran school. I miss it. I'm not as active as I should be but I believe. When I called my works employee assistance program, they knew nothing of this. The EAP through my work, you get three sessions free of charge. I needed to try. They asked me basic questions, the reason for my calling, and recommended a counselor. They only provide one, and if you don't like them you must call back and ask for another.

I of course googled it.

She's Lutheran. I was paired with a Christian counselor. They didn't know if I was religious, didn't know I was Lutheran, just knew I needed help.

I like to think it was a sign...

I'm ready for this... and I can't wait to see where it leads...