Force is met with force. Peace is met with Peace. This is the way of Jujitsu
Estimated Viewing Time: 4 mins
Key Idea: Great relationships can only be forged in the absence of self-defense.
Objective: To neutralize people’s natural guards
Why? Because it’s only when people’s guards are down that you can create genuine connections
The Silent Fight
Meeting someone new can be like getting into a fight. In the beginning, we have our guards up whilst we try to suss out the other person to see if they are a threat or not.
Whether we are aware of it or not it’s a potentially confronting affair to be exposed to strangers from outside our social tribes, and as a result we instinctively raise our guards. It is only when rapport is built and trust is earned that these walls of defense can be lowered.
You see our guards are there to protect us from the myriad of threats to our well-being (i.e. physical, mental and emotional). They are there to ensure our survival and to mask our fragile egos from bruising.
The only problem is that when we raise these barriers of defenses, it also severs the connection between others. It’s like trying to have a conversation with someone behind a cement wall and expecting to be best friends or lovers, it just doesn’t work.
Now what if we could lower or remove these guards naturally so that we can have the genuine conversations that inspire connection and growth?
Just imagine how differently our world would be if we abandoned our clichéd pleasantries, deceiving facades and embraced our unguarded, unarmed and authentic selves?
This is what relationship jujitsu is all about.
Relationship Jujitsu
Jujitsu literally means “gentle art”. Traditionally Jujitsu represents an artful system of combat that uses an opponent’s own force against them rather than using own direct force.
Jujitsu’s underlying philosophy is centered on the idea than an unarmed individual can neutralize an armed and armored opponent by using their own force against them. In essence, choosing to use one’s own force to hurt another will only serve to hurt oneself. Therefore the best strategy is to neutralize one’s own offense and defense.
How this applies to relationships is from the viewpoint that we struggle to connect with others because of the guards we put up. That conflict arises only because we hide behind safe walls instead of letting people in.
Relationship jujitsu teaches us to be vulnerable first, so others may follow suit. It empowers us to connect in a way that is raw and genuine, that pierces the confines of our safe prisons. Ultimately, it nourishes and strengthens our spirits so that the relationship around us may flourish beyond limits.
The Techniques
How does one become a master in relationship jujitsu? As you can imagine like any art, it is a life-long process of constant learning and refinement. Fortunately, I’ve distilled this “gentle art” into more of a science or practical guide you can apply to your relationships.
Disarm yourself first
If you want someone to disarm or lower their defenses you have to do it first.
If you’ve ever had a great conversation with a stranger, it was probably because one of you dropped your weapons, took off the heavy armor and made the damaging admission about themselves, sharing a deeper truth to themselves that compelled the other to open up as well.
Always be the one to disarm first. Share your insecurities freely as if they didn’t bother you. Speak your heart without the censorship of the mind and sooner or later people will do the same.
Reveal Your Intentions
The reason why we have defenses in the first place is because we are afraid of others hurting us with their ulterior motives or hidden agendas.
I’m sure we’ve all had the feeling where something just doesn’t feel right with someone. This is our gut effectively warning us of someone’s hidden agenda that could potentially harm us. Our instincts are quick to react by raising our guard and becoming defensive, effectively shutting the other person out.
Revealing your intentions means genuinely communicating what you truly want from the other person in the beginning. Remember, it’s always best to keep your intentions positive and enriching for the other person (i.e. making someone smile, laugh, have fun etc.) this way people are more likely to drop their defenses. Anything else that renders the other person at a disadvantage, will likely trigger their innate defense mechanisms.
Discover Common Ground
People have a strong tendency to stay within their comfort zones. Just take a look around at those within your social circles and note how similar they are in age, skin color, language, hobbies, values etc.
This tribal tendency is hardwired in us. It causes us to embrace our defensive shields whenever ‘outsiders’ (to our tribe) intrude upon our comfort zones and lower them when we are in the presence of friends and family.
Since we can’t necessarily change our age, skin color and other superficial traits on command, what we can do is to find other common ground.
Part of the concept of relationship jujitsu is knowing how to maneuver within a conversation to discover common ground. It’s about asking the right questions and listening attentively to discover the foundations of rapport such as shared values, interests and experiences. It is only when you’ve genuinely found common ground that one feels connected as if part of the same tribe.
Adopt an Open Stance
The way you hold yourself naturally can determine how people respond to you. This essentially becomes your default stance.
Your body language is so powerful that it can disarm people effortlessly. Conversely it can threaten people and bring their guard up. What’s important is to adopt open and positive body language that invites people rather than shuts them out.
Most of these are intuitive, such as: Smiling, laughing, arms wide open (as opposed to crossed arms), palm up gestures (instead of finger pointing) etc.
By adopting a default stance that is relaxed and non-threatening you naturally attract more people into your life whilst neutralizing their defenses.
Understand (Your Opponent)
The last technique is possibly the most powerful way to connect with someone and that is to understand.
One of the greatest human needs is to be understood and accepted. Too often you find people judging others instead of accepting them for who they are. What most people don’t realize is that even the smallest, seemingly innocent statements can be judgments that attack one’s ego. For instance, ‘you should stop smoking’ can be subconsciously interpreted as “You are wrong, I am right. Listen to what I say”.
This is why it’s important to understand first and reserve our judgments.
Understanding involves actively listening and engaging with the other person with genuine care and interest. It’s about cultivating a high level of empathy for the other person and connecting with them on every conceivable level as if you are the same person.
It’s when the other person feels truly understood and connected that great relationships are forged.
The Tenets of Relationship Jujitsu
These are only the fundamental techniques of relationship jujitsu that can be used to disarm and forge great relationships. It is not necessary to use all of these techniques simultaneously, sometimes focusing on one is sufficient in disarming someone's defenses.
Like any art form it may take years to master however wholeheartedly embracing this philosophy will dramatically transform the quality of your relationships. You will no longer be met with resistance or conflict, instead your relationships will flow and begin to flourish freely.