My aunt told me under tears that my father commited suiced...
My first reaction was to end the call because I need to call work to tell them I will not be coming in today.
My second reaction was to sit in total disbelief on some peoples wall, fighting with tears...
5 weeks ago I eneded the relatioship with my girlfriend...4 weeks ago my stepmother died...
My phone rang again and some guy who introduced himself as my fathers lawyer told me what I need to do and gave me some numbers I need to call.
I called the first one, it was the police to confirm something
I introduced myself and said I am calling because of my father who apperantly died this night?? When she said yes and that she is sorry I could not hold back the tears anymore...suddenly it was real.
I spoke it out the first time....
She was telling me something about I cant enter the house till they can exclude a murder to 100%.
When I tried to answer her I started crying so much I could not get one word out of my mouth. I tried to say "sry gonna call you back" but I failed already at sry and ended the call....
Now I live "the life" in Thailand...but this day and the following 3 years were hell for me and on the other hand the best which happended to me.
After this mess...I feel there is not this much anymore what life can throw at me.
Maybe there will be a time where I feel I should share more...but today is not this day....
I really can not recall an event, which had more influence on my life than this....and believe I would love to define me with something else....
There are sometimes moments where I want to ask my father for advice or tell him something cool which happened to me....4,5 seconds later I realize that this is not possible and I feel stupid...
When I read his suicide letter...I get mad, sad and feel nothing....
I miss my father and despite everything the inheritage allowed me to do, I wish he would still be here on the other hand I like the person, for the most part, I became and I would never be the one, I am today without that experience....
Maybe this is just me trying to find some meaning in this chapter though....