“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition.” -Esther Perel
Don’t we all secretly wish the puppy love phase of a romantic relationship could last forever? Imagine if unlimited stomach butterfly refills were a thing. Losing the spark? We’ve got you covered by a shot of butterfly supply straight into your bloodstream. Talk about an addictive drug! Human nature is a bitch because it gives us a taste of the most addictive things in life but without the possibility of having constant refills. It’s a one time thing honey, enjoy it while it lasts!
We want something. We get it. Now the tricky part is that when we get the thing we once craved, dopamine gives up on us. We’re then forced to make a switch in our minds, one that propels us from a state of wanting to a state of having. The thrill of the chase is gone. To anticipate something is more exciting than to actually get the thing isn't? Now you’ve got maintenance work to do for the remaining of your romantic relationship. To keep on wanting what we already have doesn’t come naturally to us, human beings, complex creatures who are suckers for all things novelty related. The good news is that there’s a way to get a grip on that brain chemistry of ours.
Nothing is more unappealing for our excitement seeking brain than romantic cohabitation. Unfortunately for us, living with our partner accelerates the process of hedonic adaptation which makes it in turn easier for us to fall into a state of complacency. Crazy monkey sex turns into routine love making. Fun date nights get replaced by netflix marathons. Hours long talks were once our go to and now we're lucky if we give each other 10 mins of our undivided attention at the end of a long day.
We get used to things (and people) fairly quickly. Unless we make it a habit to keep our emotional connection in check, love can inadvertently slip from our hands.The mundanity of the day to day and the fast pace of modern life can break apart even the strongest of relationships. Habituation only becomes a romance killer if we let it. There’s tons of ways to keep things fun and exciting, we just have to be willing enough to find them.
A few key formulas to remember
Time X Routine X Autopilot = Boredom
Gratitude - Complacency = Sweet spot
Netflix and chilling X Time = Boredom
Interactive date nights - Couch activities = Spark back + emotional connection sustained
(thank me later)
