"One generation full of deeply loving parents would change the brain of the next generation, and with that, the world."
Living with the fear of abandonment on a daily basis is the most painful thing I have had to carry on this life journey. I still remember how I felt while reading the first book on the subject almost 5 years ago, hopeful to get rid of this wound that was eating me alive. My hopes got crushed very early into my reading when I read that this unbearable pain I was feeling in my heart was not going to ever disappear completely. In other words, I found out that abandonment trauma could not be healed so to speak – but only managed. This was the toughest pill to swallow for me.
I just wanted this profound pain to go away for good. The knots in my stomach. The increase of my heartbeat. The sweat. The feeling of my nervous system being on high alert mode all the time. The daily anticipation of worst case scenarios being imminent. Those who live with the abandonment wound know all too well how excruciatingly hard it is to be at peace with something that has such power over you. It can be very difficult to self soothe and self regulate while carrying the trauma of abandonment.
The fear of abandonment is so strong that when activated, it can completely paralyze us, quite literally. I still have very vivid memories of the times where I felt my abandonment trauma come in full force to the point where I could no longer think straight. I couldn’t study. I couldn’t work. I was controlled by my worst dreaded fear. Which makes a lot of sense from a biological point of view. Infants who get fed but do not receive emotional nurturance literally die. This is why the fear of abandonment can literally feel like death. This is why we can go on to do things that others may perceive as crazy or not typical. Because we are in a fight or flight mode. This is our survival instinct kicking in.
Abandonment trauma often comes in all of its glory in our most intimate relationships. That’s where our fear of abandonment is the strongest. Understandably, as our level of vulnerability is high. But unfortunately for us, our personal reservoir of safety is low. Our need for reassurance is limitless. We desperately long for the connection, the security and the stability that we perhaps never got to feel as a child.
Our radar is always on the lookout for potential signs of rejection. We feel everything, even the slightest difference in our level of closeness with our partner. One tiny change that our nervous system interprets as a potential abandonment threat, and we instinctively go into hypervigilance mode. The choice of word here is not random – it is instinctive as it’s an internal process we have no control over. Our broken nervous system has learned early on in life that the world was a dangerous place. That people could not be trusted. That our emotional needs were not going to be met.
A glimmer of hope came my way when I realized that maybe there was a way for me to become at peace with my abandonment trauma. I realized that the choice of our romantic partners and their own attachment style has a big impact on our emotional reactivity in regards to our abandonment trauma. This has been well documented, but I never got to experience it myself until I did. When you have an anxious attachment style and your partner has a secure one, it can make such a big difference in regards to your attachment issues, and a very positive one that is.
When you have a partner that is consistent in the love that they have for you, it can make you feel much more secure over time. You will still always have the abandonment wound in you, granted. But when someone gives you the gift of stable and secure love for long enough, it can absolutely calm your nervous system down. At least that has been my experience and I’m eternally grateful it has. This isn't to say that we should not try to manage our trauma and solely rely on others to make us feel a little better. Both can be done. There's something powerful in holding space for our excruciating pain and not abandoning our own selves.
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