In an alternate Australia, the animals there are no less frightening than the ones that exist in the down under that we all know. If you have heard a koala mate at night, or pondered the construction of a platypus, you'll know what I mean.

Come with me now as I Midjourney into the world of an AI menagerie and describe what I find there. All images co-created by me with the AI Midjourney, using prompts such as 'hybrid platypus kangaroo, photograph, realistic'. Enjoy.

The Crocoding (a.k.a Dingodile)

Depending on what side of the river you are on, this crocodile dingo is either a Crocoding or a Dingodile. Either way, you might here kids shout 'ding ding ding ding ding' in warning as they scarper up trees away from this dangerous beast. It'll roll you under water and keep you under a rock til your flesh melts from your bones. Some say if you throw a stick or a ball, it'll be distracted enough to chase that instead of you. One thing is certain - don't ignore the signs warning about swimming in the area as they do clearly describe the dangers of these hybrids in both indigenous river and coloniser languages, so if you end up lunch, that's on you.

The Fairy Lizard

The fairy lizards are a tourist attraction which replaced the animals from which they got their DNA, the fairy penguin. It is commonly accepted that these goanna penguin crosses eliminated the penguins within one season as they stole their eggs and ate their young. Nevermind - tourists still come from all over to see these cute lizard birds waddle up the beach out of the sea to nest in the sand dunes, eating ice cream and hot chips. The tourists that is, not the fairy lizards, who prefer fish.

The Platyroo

As if the platypus wasn't freaky enough, an injection of kangaroo genes left taxidermists scratching their heads in bemusement. No one ever believes it's a real creature until they see it in the wild. It propels itself efficiently in the water with flippers and it's beaver like tail, and on land, it's water appendages tuck up in a rear pouch so it can hop about. Kangaroos don't seem to mind them, which is good, because the dear Platyroo likes to think they are one of them and even can be found sleeping next to baby Joeys in their mothers pouch, especially when the river is too cold, too dry, too muddy or too wet.

The Drop Bear

The drop bears are legendary creatures, described around campfires by locals to scare tourists who visit Alt Australia, looking for the much cuter koalas. Locals will place a spoon on their noses and imitate their mating call, which sounds like a chainsaw has mated with a cicada. It's even better if the locals have scars, which they suggest were made by dropbears falling from the trees and savaging them as they walked under. Whilst these tales were originally lies and a bit of fun, hybrid bat koalas have actually been appearing in the wild and are far more terrifying than the imaginary drop bears from where they got their name.

The Tiger Bear

The tiger bear is sadly hunted for it's beautiful pelt. It is not, in fact, a bear, but more related to the thylacine, which is extraordinary as they have been extinct for nearly a hundred years. This stunning and noble beast is declining in numbers. Whilst the authorities are trying to stop hunters, its fur appeared in an advertisement for Calvin Klein underwear where the model was draped seductively over it's lifeless pelt. Despite public outrage, bear smugglers still manage to secret cubs out of the country. This gave rise to the Alt Australianism 'tig'ber smuggler, a name for someone who looked like they were hiding something in their jocks.

The Echiola (commonly known as the spiky devil)

This seemingly cute creature is not one you want to take home for the children. Whilst it might look cute and defenseless, it will rip your hand off even whilst eating out the other. Don't let it fool you - damn the day that a koala thought an echidna looked sexy. They sometimes appear in your sleeping bag at night, snoring cutely. Don't wake it. Just get out of your sleeping bag, quietly tie a knot in the end, and run for your life.

Cockawaries

Alt Australians love cockawaries as they make far better companions than parrots, and shout the first synonym of their name really loudly when they absolutely shouldn't. They are also excellent at sneaking into milk bars and stealing pies and beers for their owners. A cross between a cockatoo and a cassowary, they are less dangerous and less squawky than either, and lay delicious eggs that taste like hot fries with tomato sauce.

Bunny Wailer

The scientist who discovered this one was a Bob Marley fan, and dubbed the species 'bunny wailers', which was not far off the money as the sound of them mating does sound like wailing. Unlike the spiky devil's, these do make wonderful children's pets, except for being woken up at 4 am with their pre dawn calls. There's quite a few varieties, as they breed like rabbits funnily enough, meaning quite a bit of genetic diversity.

Woxes

One of the best things about woxes is they are too fat to leap over your chicken fence to steal your chooks. In fact, thankfully, they ended up vegetarian, so people are hoping that they'll take over from the fox eventually altogether. Do not camp around them with your food box unsecured - like their wombat ancestry, they do like to steal what they can get to feed their appetites. They are also terrible at avoiding cars so will often be seen as roadkill. Do not eat - their organs are poisonous.

Which is your favourite?

With Love,

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