We don’t like being too soft. Its more like that sternness is what we we were created with. As a Nigerian you would very well know and understand those "get out of my sight" eyes our mother's do give us or those striking eyes our mother's give us when we’re acting up in public, theres a almost an eye expression to everything.
I will love this time to answer the question first, before delving into it more. When is it okay to be stern?
My answer...When love demands it. When growth requires it. When someone/things is at stake. But there's still a way to do it with care and love, when you are raising a kid, when you need to set boundaries and all, you don't need to break people , theres a way to be serious/stern but it would be for building up, helping them, because most times, that sternness is really or all that is needed to push someone to become better.
First off, parenting. I grew up in a Nigera household where you better not mistake your parents kindness for weakness. One time as a kid, I thought I could sneak out of the house without doing my chores, because I thought my mom was in a good mood. I got the shock of my life when she called me back with that voice I very well know, smiles, she said “If you don’t wash those plates before stepping out, I will make sure to dish your food inside it like that. I didn’t understand then why/how she would dish her sons food into a dirty plate, but I realize now that her sternness was love. She wasn’t meaning to punish me, but teaching me responsibility.
There are times when being stern is the only way to bring sense into someone or a situation. There was someone I coached back then, she's fond of excuses and procrastinating. If I ask why she didn't study, she would respond by staying " I wasn't in the mood" or " I didn't have time ". For a long time, I acted the nice coach, cajoling her an all. But one day, I got tired of her every day excuses, she came around one day and after her excuses, she was expecting the usual from me, but I snapped “Look, if you don’t take responsibility for your life, no one will do it for you", " Your parents will not always be there for you", "What will you achieve by excuses", "You want success, but It won’t drop from the sky”. I remember my words clearly,cause I thought I had gone too far, but guess what, that was the wakeup call she needed.
Even in relationships, there’s a time for being stern. You know how we most times love to ‘overdo’ in love. I wonder at some people who think love means accepting just any nonsense. If someone is constantly disrespecting you, your boundaries, then you have every right to look the individual in the eye and be stern. I once had a friend who kept taking advantage of my kindness. Sometimes he borrows money and would never return it, he would come late to outings, programs and never apologize or talk about it. One day like that, I sat him down and told him how much I valued our friendship but thay I won’t let him anymore, it has to stop,even he saw it wasnt easy for me but it was necessary for self-respect.
Being stern doesn’t mean being cruel, sometimes we cross that line, especially when we think we’re correcting someone. When dealing with people you are older than, let them know its for their good cause they could misunderstood it for hatred or being unwanted. Have you ever seen how some teachers shout at students as if they’re talking to their age mate or like they are in a fighting competition. That kind of severity doesn’t inspire growth, it rather creates fear. It is for corrections don't turn it to destruction.
I once worked at a place, the team I was meant to lead and supervise were all lazy bones, they have the record of never being timely in anything they do, its like they had allergies to being timely and meeting deadlines. First few times, I tried to be patient, thinking they will adjust. I did something's for them so they won't complain of the workload, it was still same, I wasn't expecting a drastic change, but there was non at all, they do submit report that was meant to be submitted at the last day of every month on the second week of the other month.
I was even expecting them to start submitting on the first week, smiles, but its like they made a covenant with the second week, no changes. It was affecting me, I guess they thought the former supervisor was the cause back then that was why he was sacked or that he couldn't supervise his team. I later had to bring out my inner no-nonsense self. I called a meeting and told them howthe headquarter had been complaining, how we were losing clients, and that I was asked by the headquarters to submit names of those who are not serious with their work and how I didn't want to do that, but which they have pushed me to. And that was it, I never knew they could work that fast and accurately.
You can be firm without shouting. You can correct without embarrassing. We don't always have to be dramatic, sometimes we just raise our voice unnecessarily, and come to think of it, what we did with such actions don't often give the best/required result. Real sternness doesn’t always need volume. It needs clarity, intention, and you know, just a bit of compassion.