I was a loner back then and I am still being let alone when I feel the pressure from the outside world and I need to recharge my battery as I like to call it. This post is mainly focused on my personal battles with myself and I would like to answer some question which I think may help some people who are in this situation.
From an early age, I did not have many friends. I was a shy kid at first in school. I made some friends and when I felt comfortable with my classmates I started being more open to talking with everybody. But there was not a bond. Strong friendship bond. I did have a friend who stuck with me for 7 years. That was my best and longest friendship and it is to this day.
I did not go out early into my life and I started going out locally in my area when I was 12-13, can't remember exactly but I do know it was later in life. I am shy with new people. I hardly make new friendships nowadays, because of the fear of me not going to be a guy who the other person will want to be friend with. My newest friendship is from a month and I did not make the first contact, but we were introduced by family members. This person who I was introduced to is just amazing and It helps me break the comfort zone and go out and be more confident.
When I was a kid my mother asked me why do I don't go out as much as the other kids. When I did make friends and started going out here in my area, I sometimes was being rejected and people just were speaking behind my back. A clear example is that I was not basically from the "cool" kids and I was being promised false things like "yes we will call you when we go out". They would act cool when they are near you and just pretend they are your friend when in the meantime they will say everything bad about you in private. Luckily I had and still have the ability to spot this kind of people. For me is not something that you can hide. I have been rejected because of many factors, from how I look from a face perspective and how I dress to factors about what music I listen and others dumb factors which I don't know why people will judge upon.
The majority of those people I knew were just people who don't have the strength to say the things they really think about me into my face. When I call them to go out they will play the cool guy and will always want to hang out if they do not have an excuse to not hang out. If I was not calling them, they would not call me. Like never they have called me unless they wanted something from me, like money or other things.
I knew all of this but was stuck in this company of people who were the only one I knew back then. I either go out or be home all day. What was also a big problem back then is my shyness to speak to new people. I till this day have this feeling of being uncomfortable with new people and super comfortable with people who I know. I was asking questions like: "What if they do not like me from the first impression I made? Would they still want to chat or continue communication and further even be my friend?"
So I do not look my age and that even further made things harder. Second of all, some people were just calling me names and offending me for who I am. What I did answer back then to those two question above were simply to say it: "I am not going to make friends and I should stick with the one I already have". I was a child, who just felt uncomfortable with the current situation he was in. For me, there was no escape. That was the time that I fell in love with being in solitude.
I was basically getting tired when being with those people. I would be around them and somehow I feel they drain my energy so to speak. They do not give me any energy to do what I love, but rather they just take it away slowly with each day I was with them. If I have to compare it to a recent experience when I introduced myself and met a lady who I just for a month became a good friend with, I started feeling the opposite. I was feeling how a human being can give you so much power and boost you to live and express everything you are. I felt strange. Never before I was feeling something like that. But I am now talking about the past...
When being around the "friends" I had back then, I needed to periodically recharge myself. This led to me being more and more isolated from people. It became something normal for me. I back then fell in love with the loneliness. It let me be myself without anyone being judgmental. The silence just listened to me and back then was the only escape I had. I was basically more willing to be in isolation than go out and spend hours with people who I would waste my time with. This period was longer than it should have been.
Don't get me wrong, I wanted to go out, but when I did go, I was being judged silently sometimes and I would overhear it. I just had people who were destroying me, maybe because they had to feel superior. I am not saying they are guilty of everything they did, no god no, they most of the time did this subconsciously. I do know they are good people inside. Just they are destroying others to lift themselves. This destruction had two ways for me to solve it. I was a) going to become one of them and shape myself so they would like me or b) still keep my good heart and still keep myself. Back in the days, I was myself always. Then I had to choose between those two options A or B. I did became one of them. I started to want them to like. I wanted them to like me so I started doing what they like to do. I started listening to what they listen. I became like them. An exact copy of what they liked.
With the time tho, I realised that this is something wrong and no one should have control over you. That happened later in 2017 when I became 18. I started to change drastically and be more of myself and less of the person who other people wanted me to be. What I realised is that I no longer had something in common with those people I was hanging out with. So I stopped communicating with them. They insisted sometimes for me to go out with them, but that was a month after I stopped going out with them. So they basically were just curious where I was been and if I am still alive.
Later in life, I found some friends who were not so destructive and even encouraged me to be more of me. Making new friend is something hard for me, but somehow I managed to have some new people to hang out with. What is more hilarious is that the old circle of friends thinks I do not go out, because they knew I had only them back then. So they think when I am not with them I am not outside and I really like it that way :D. This story is something I wanted to share because it is connected with solitude and after this quick 1300 words long myself talk, I would talk about solitude and the connection.
As you can see I was a dumb kid and I did not realise many things. If there was a time machine I would probably go back in time and slap myself. Then I would just tell myself what an idiot I am and say that I should not sell my identity for a fake based friendships. Or maybe I would just destroy the time machine. Why? Because words are less of importance and more of the importance is the solitude factor. Being isolated and lonely all day will help you spend time with yourself. Which can partly open yourself to yourself or in other words can help you discover your inner universe.
What are the...
Positive aspects of being in solitude:
No one is judgemental because the air cannot speak. You are yourself and you can do whatever the heck you want. You are basically discovering yourself as you do what you want. It helps you grow and it can let you spend time more productively. It can open you to the real world and let you see behind what other people don't see. This means, that you can examine the life you have and compare it to what you want. You can examine your behaviour and change it. Personally, it helped me realise in what a mess I was in.
Negative aspects:
The most dangerous aspect of being in solitude is that you can fall in love with it. I fell in love and I had times when going out was just something unpleasant and I would rather stay with myself all day. Which can also be something good and bad. The good thing is that you learn to rely on your own. The bad and extremely dangerous thing is that falling in love with the isolation can mean that you would not want to end the isolation. Meaning you would not want a relationship and you will more likely won't give up your silence for another human being. What you need to learn is that being isolated from people is not a bad thing when your "people" are not worth the time. But when you find someone you can see is way different and it can understand you and help you, you should open your hearth and stop being in isolation. Finding this human should mean that you can be yourself with him. Basically just replacing the silence with a conversation and everything stays the same.
Do not just depend on your love for being lonely, look for different people and I believe you can find them. You need to find someone strange and unique. With who you can be yourself and not worry about losing them.
To answer the title, is solitude a weakness or strength? I would say it is both...
Solitude is a strength because it teaches you how to rely on your own and be yourself even when everyone else you know hates your yourself. It teaches you a valuable lesson and it is that you need to find yourself by the silence. Silence has all the answers I believe. Sometimes the strength I describe is called a weakness. People think that when you can't be with them you are weak and that is why you lock yourself with yourself.
The biggest weakness is that it will teach you to not want anybody else in your life. Even when you have the opportunity and you have found a person with who you know you can be yourself, you will sometimes ignore this opportunity because you are now used to being on your own. It falsely makes you believe that you only need the solitude. But we are social creatures overall and we need to socialize.
Overall, I do not regret my time spent with myself. If I did not spend it I would not have changed for the better of myself and I would still be controlled by what other people like. It was a necessary part of me and without the lonely times, I would not be who I am today. I would not have found the friends I have today and with who I am comfortable and always willing to hang out with. I found what I love doing and I found a piece of myself. So, cheers to the lonely times.
Have a wonderful day.
If I have missed something I may continue with this subject.
This post is more personal, but sometimes I use my blog to show myself and connect with other people. Maybe influence some people and get them to think about what I write about. I am really glad this problem is now behind me and I can talk about it. I still want to have a time with myself, but I am no longer relying on it. I just want to have time to grow and write in solitude :D. Thanks for reading this. Sorry if I just wasted your time. I don't usually write about me, but from time to time I have the need to do so. God Bless.