So… The lows have been low lately. It's not all bad, but wowza, there's a hell of an undertow.
I got this poem climbing out of one such low. It feels like Rumi, to me.
The conversation. The wisdom. The anguish.
I quite like Rumi. I wrote a manuscript called Abandoning Rumi, actually. You can read the first chapter here on the blockchain. It won a writing contest by @thewritersblock last year, but I digress.
The poem.
Photo: Todd Turner /Unsplash.
A Conversation with Rumi
I have betrayed myself.
What do I do now,
Other than cry on the floor?
Make the best of it.
Be humble.
I’m bad at that.
In fact, I suck at a lot of things.
I pretty much feel like one monstrous mistake.
You do not see your own beauty.
No.
Well.
Sometimes.
You let doubt overpower you.
I wasn’t always this way.
I had confidence once.
It disintegrated.
You have to let go.
I’m trying.
I’ve been trying. Forever.
What is this perpetual punishment?
Old, ancient shame. You volunteered for this work.
I know. I hate myself for it.
You have to love yourself through it.
Fuck.
Keep showing up.
That I can do.
Barely, but I can do it.
I want more than to endure, though.
So much more.
Keep showing up.
Breathe.
I am.
My heart won’t stop crying.
How do I stop it from crying?
Cry.
I can’t even do that right.
They interrupt me.
So laugh.
I do. Then I cry again.
And then I breathe, and I do the next thing.
But this—this trap of my own making—
It is only a trap if you see it as one.
Fine. My deliverance, then.
My penance.
I hate who I have to be to play this role,
What I have to make myself do.
Stop hating it.
How? Seriously. How?
See yourself as you truly are.
Be that.
I want to scream.
Howl at the moon. As you wish.
I don’t know how to do this.
Show up. Let go.
Keep breathing.
Sing. Dance. Write.
Yes. Those are the usual suspects.
Thanks for the reminder.
Anytime.
Original writing by Katrina Ariel
I hope you enjoyed that snippet from the voices in my head. The cynical one never seems to let up, but the goddess has my back. I walk the line, though, more often than I’d like to admit.
Maybe it’s just a spring cleanse. Maybe it’s starting a new physio program and re-learning how to breathe. Maybe I’m just a tired mom. Probably all of the above.
I’ll keep showing up. Thanks for reading.
Whatever happens, keep singing your song!
Peace. @katrina-ariel
Author bio: Katrina Ariel is an old-soul rebel, musician, tree-hugging yogini, and mama bear to twins. Author of Yoga for Dragon Riders (non-fiction) and Wild Horse Heart (romance), she's another free-spirit swimming in the ocean of life.
