Inner Enemy

INNER ENEMY

When compliments are thrown at me
I duck beneath them
afraid
that if one hit me
I might
for a split second
feel good about myself.

A relationship
where I have no control
over my feelings
or any desire to
hanging on
with both hands
because when she leaves
not even God knows
when the next will come along.

They don’t see me for who I am
because I do not see myself
she doesn’t know me because
I do not yet know myself
or do I fear the answer?

Because maybe there is some good in me
beyond my skin
over which I have no control
don’t give me credit or
assume I am confident
as a result of a shell
that I
deeply
resent

That I would break in a second
if given the hammer
but I could not
for it is not my family and friends
I wish to
hurt
it is myself and therein
lies the problem.

There exists the turmoil
the hate and
sometimes the fear
of the future and the past
the accomplishments
and the many failures controlled by the
Inner Enemy
who continues to grow each day
with the speed and scope
of an
avalanche.

Wiping out all thoughts of success
drowning all beliefs
that there may be somebody
somewhere
who doesn’t hate me
as much as I hate myself.

Do I dare raise my hand and risk the chance of love?
What a foolish question…he remains undefeated.

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Honestly,
Doghaus