I grew up in an environment where I learned to be afraid to speak my truth and to show who I really was. When I was eighteen, after being considered the "Ugly Duckling" throughout my school career, I finally grew into my body. I decided to take modeling classes, and began working with local photographers. I probably could have made a living with modeling. Not to toot my own horn, but I was good at it. Alas, my career was short lived due to a spiritual awakening that led me to anarchy. But I have to give credit to modeling for helping me break out of my shell so I could become the person and activist I am today.
Modeling helped me to become comfortable in my own skin. After I started working in front of the camera, my social anxiety started to drop.
Modeling became an art. As I became more familiar with my own body and the camera, I learned different techniques that would make the picture more valuable. I started to envision the camera as a canvas, and my body was the paint brush.
I encourage people to get out of their comfort zone because it can mean so much to a person's self-esteem. It's also a great opportunity to make mistakes and to learn. Occasionally I was told to tone my facial expressions down because they looked too fake. That helped me learn to authentically express myself. That was a simple, yet valuable lesson that I now use on a daily basis.
Modeling taught me that imperfections aren't a bad thing, that it shows you're human. I never liked the photoshopped images where the model ended up looking like a doll. I became comfortable with my imperfections and mistakes through my modeling career, like this photo above where neither I or the photographer noticed my zipper was down. I still consider this to be one of my favorite shots, zipper down and all.
Occasionally I'd get a little risky with how much skin I showed. I probably was sexualizing myself, and that was ok. I didn't mind showing off my body a little. I don't regret it, though I'd probably make some better decisions if I was still modeling.
The picture above was actually from my first modeling shoot when I was eighteen. I was extremely camera shy, and luckily had a photographer that helped me through the entire shoot. After I saw the photos, I realized there was nothing to be shy about.
I loved learning about lighting during shoots. I think some of the most beautiful photographs are of a woman's back, and it was really neat to see how photographers can get a perfect shot of the curves.
It's fun to go back and to look at these photos because I can see through different shots and lighting how my face has changed since these photos were taken. I was pretty young when most of these photos were taken. I had no idea where I would be almost 10 years from then. I had no idea that breaking out of my socially awkward shell through modeling would lead me to the path of anarchism and activism.
