It is coming up to fourteen years since my mother passed away, a long time by anyone's measure. A lot has happened since then, a lot of things that have come and gone that she probably thought she would get to see. The most important of which is her grandchild, my daughter.
I am sure that the day I was born and as I grew from baby to to teen to adult, she would have sometimes imagined that there would come a day where she would hold whoever I brought into the world, teach her the thing a grandparent does, spoil her the way a grandparent should. I thought she would have been here. But, this was not meant to be, cancer is rarely kind to anyone it touches, least of all those that are left in its wake.
Christmas is coming, a time for family to gather and eat good food, laugh, argue and talk about times gone, people gone. In Finland, it is a time to visit the graves, to remember those who used to grace the world and walk amongst us. It is not that for me here, well, not in the same way at least.
I will spend it with my wife's family and we will eat well and enjoy the time off from the day to day grind. But for me, there will be no stories shared, no discussion about the people who used to sit at the dining table with us. Here, no one knows about my life before or the stories that were created with the people I grew with.
It makes me think how my daughter will never meet her grandparents on my side. Even though my father is still alive, it is unlikely they will spend any time together and even if they could, my father is no longer capable mentally, my daughter too young to understand.
But, it makes me think about the future too. Right now, I imagine that I will be here to see my daughter grow, mature and become whatever she chooses to be. Is it likely? Who knows, there is no way to say. I cannot see into that future, only imagine that there is one possible but probable is too long of a reach for my mind.
The moments I spend with her are precious to me but if I was to disappear now, she is too young to remember how we laughed together or how she makes a mmmm sound when she kisses me goodnight. For her, I am currently much less important than she is to me. This is the way it should always be of course.
I don't want her to rely on me, I don't want me to be something she feels obligated to, something she is tied to through no choice of her own. I don't want her to sit around a Christmas meal and miss me. I just want her to be happy and care for those who are worthy enough to be there with her at that table, be present with them, love them. But, I hope I am at that table with her, at least once.
I hope I get an opportunity to sit with her, watch her with her friends, family and perhaps even her children, my grandchildren. To have a chance to share our stories with each other, to hold her kids in my lap and tell them what their mother was really like once upon a time.
There are no guarantees in this life, just moments to share. I will try not to waste them.
Taraz
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