Today I find myself in the midst of a great storm, both literally and figuratively. Being no stranger to storms, this self I'm experiencing seems perfectly at peace with it all. Standing in a field with trees bending all around me, birds struggling to do their bird things but singing anyway, wind gusts pushing my body this way and that, I can't help but find it all fascinating. It's a beautiful kind of chaos. There has been one noticeable absence these last couple of days though. The turtle that lives in the pond is missing.
I suppose this is where we embark on the discussion about the other storm raging at the moment. The storm of existence that I am currently experiencing through the viewpoint and identity of a being we'll have to agree to call "clayboyn." This is a rather peculiar being if I'm being honest. It likes to write random rambling words and talk to people and find the beauty in them and understand them to be able to see itself more clearly. It can't help but wonder if it's like that turtle that comes and goes as it pleases while its very existence is only ever cemented by the observation of others.
Of course it has its own experiences when it's not writing or interacting with others, but it's like that missing turtle I suppose. Surely it's off doing turtle things and living its turtle life, probably happily distracted playing with it's swarm of baby turtles or eating or maybe taking a nap for a couple days. Perhaps it's simply avoiding this peculiar window to the world the universe seems to enjoy viewing itself from known as clayboyn. That's okay though.
One can't help but to wonder what it is about this particular window into existence that the Universe enjoys viewing itself through so much. This leads into a realm of classifying and labeling things to try to understand how this particular window views existence. That's all fine and dandy, but in the end it doesn't really change anything does it? There's countless other windows out there and surely they all have their own unique and beautiful ways of viewing existence. So why this one? Why not?
If we're all equally valid and existence is only as it is in relation to everything comprising it, then that would imply that removing any singular piece of the puzzle would collapse or change the whole thing into something else entirely. It's a thing this "clayboyn" character likes to remind itself of on a regular basis. It reminds it that it is a crucial and fundamental part of existence, even if it struggles to see itself.
With meditation, this character detaches from the first person experience of the universe and remembers that it is but part of a greater whole. It reminds itself that we are all connected and make up something that some refer to as "God" or "the Universe" or "Source." It can clearly see from this detached perspective that things it finds so wonderful in that first person perspective and so highly values are actually reflections of itself.
If it finds something beautiful, that is a reflection of beauty that it is projecting out into the world and recognizing in itself. If it feels love, that is a reflection of love that it is putting out into the world and manifesting itself. If it finds something grotesque and horrid and wants nothing to do with it, again it is the one feeling these things and putting them out into the world.
But alas, one cannot exist only in relation to everything else because one is as much a part of everything else as everything else is a part of one. This leads the "clayboyn" character to reflect inward and discover things about itself that it in turn projects out into the storm of existence and experiences being reflected back. All of those feelings of kindness, understanding, love, discord, and so on and so forth originate inside of that window that the universe is viewing itself through. It is as much the thing it is feeling those things about as they are it.
This leads the character pondering its existential nature to ask the age old question, "Why me?" It reminds itself that all of the others it interacts with are also windows. They are all the universe glimpsing itself through countless perspectives and that each and everyone of them is equally valid. If they are all valid and all capable of seeing everything from beauty to chaos to divine order to absolute horror, then the contrast they all provide must be necessary for absolute knowledge about the nature of existence itself.
So how does a "clayboyn" see itself without a reflection? It supposes it sees itself through the lens of what it feels and what it knows to be true. It tries to know as little as possible because it's fallen into the trap of becoming hung up on beliefs many times. It knows how dangerous and limiting beliefs can be. This leads the character to define itself only as a fundamental part of the universe or God or whatever we want to call it.
It knows what it feels and it knows to self-reflect when it finds itself unsure or begins to doubt itself. Knowing and trusting oneself, it knows that even when it finds itself facing the unknown, it has everything it needs to weather the storm. It embraces known unknowns and appreciates them for the feelings of joy and anticipation that have replaced the previous feelings of fear and anxiety that used to overwhelm it. In essence, this character is constantly discovering itself in the ways it views and interacts with others and the world around it.
Since this character feels it's been rambling long enough, it's decided to quit referring to itself in the third person now and jump back into experiencing this reality to read what it wrote about itself. Since I do find what I write to be a great insight into how I actually feel about things, myself, and others, this should have been a fun exercise. Now the trick is to make a permanent record of it before I have time to go back and critique it and try to convince myself that it's anything other than what it is, which is just my shared human experience. So with that, I bid you all a good day. Much love. Peace.