We all know what red flags are. And not the one waiving on the poles. It’s that little voice telling us, somethnig is up, something is not right, something…but we don’t listen.
I have two kids, going to school now. Both of them have like 25 new friends. I was talking the other day with my son, and he was only 3 months into school, so he didn’t know his school friends very well. But to my surprise, he had a very good picture of every friend, who is nice, who is bossy, who he like and who he don’t like.
In my memories it took me to my first grade and all my school friends, that was like 30 years ago. Sometimes I meet an old friend, we take a coffee and here is the funny thing - this person is still the same one as he was in the first year of school.
how he acts
- if he is funny or not
- if he is talkative or not
- if I feel comfortable in his company
- if he is bossy or more listening type
- if he likes animals
- etc…
I will admit, that like 10% of them have changed, maybe they were the shy type, and they are nowalpha, but that is rare.
So here the question is — should I trust my instinct, my gut, that usually is quite strong about a person and first impression?
Why do we suppress this very important signal, that our mind and our body gives to us?
I ended my 10 years long marriage, maybe more on that topic some other time, but I have been doing a lot of thinking last two years.
what I overlooked?
- how many of these signs there were?
- how did I excuse all this very important behaviours and actions, that should put me on alert?
A lot of people later told me that they saw these signs, but they just thought that I see them also and that I accepted them. Well, unfortunately that was not the case, I just made excuses and thought that:
- they are not that important
- and that if this will be a problem, we can surely change it, no problem
But the catch is — and I can’t stress this enough — what we should look for is the current situation, not the potential that I see.
Of course there was some anger, telling me “why the hell these people didn’t give me this fact before, when I was blind and in love!” But have come to a conclusion, that probably it wouldn’t do any change. I surely wouldn’t believe it or if I did, and took some actions, that wouldn’t be based on my experience but rather on someone else’s opinion and for sure this kind of hard work would wait for me in the next relationship.
So, what I overlooked?
Manipulation, laziness, bossiness, yelling, ignoring, gas lightning, isolation, you name it…How did I excuse all of this? Maybe she was having a bad day, bad week, being tired, being hungry, being pregnant, etc…there are tons of this shit, that we can make it up. If we don’t know where to draw the line. So what to do?
I started to read, took a therapist, made some good talks with my friends and also my family. My transformation took like 3–4 years, but I am sure there is still work to be done. All the time.
I learned, that i should always listen to mi instinct. I learned that there is always good to have a close friend. Not family member, but a friend, who is like a stewardess on a plane. When flying, just look at her and if she is ok, then everything is ok, maybe just some side wind. But if she is scared, then you are in troubles and it’s time to be alert.
So, life is always challenging me. So there is never peace, progress every day. This takes me to have order in my life, to check things, to evaluate, to see what was happening through the day, week and act accordingly.