So the last time I wrote on here, me and Jamie were pretty much together - I mean, Johnny was in prison and she was mostly with me. Man has a lot changed! In November of last year, she ended up getting a sweet deal where she only had to do a couple months in jail, when she thought she might have to do a whole year or close to it. I knew she had to go to court that day - she spent most of the day at fee ave, then came back with Pat. Then had him sleep in her tent that night, and as I walked by that night, I heard things that ended up breaking my heart. I won't say what, but someone else randomly told me in conversation that they heard the same thing and that pretty much confirmed it. I never told this other person about hearing it - they just told me. And then she got up the next day, went to court and got sentenced and I didn't see her until February in jail, then for a day or two as a free man in March, then i didnt see her again until the end of June. And in March and now Johnny was out of prison and she was with him. She told me she wasn't going back to him. Then when I was finally out again, she told me she was still in love with me, she wants to leave him, but can't. She wants to eat her cake and have it too.
Well, it's putting me in a really shitty position. I'm watching Johnny do whatever he wants - I mean WHATEVER he wants and she just lets him. Sure she'll bitch or whatever, maybe get back at him a little by doing something with me (which is REALLY rare) but for the most part, she just sits there and takes it. And this is what kills me - I try to treat Jamie as good as I can, try to do as much as I can for her, because I really do love her, and I'm below the dog on her totem pole of priorities. He doesnt so much but try to get heroin for himself and he is on the top of the list.
The last couple of days I've done some thinking. I really love Jamie, but a man can only take so much heartbreak and sat on the back burner for so long. My problem is since I've been dating (for awhile I didn't date, I just fucked), pretty much every girl I've been with that I've loved, the next one has been better, and right now, it's a tie between Boogie and Jamie. They both have their good qualities and bad qualities - but they are about even. And right now, I don't see anything that I would consider better, so how do I move on? So now I feel stuck in this purgatory where Jamie still has me whenever she wants pretty much, she still gets the free stuff, me buying shards from her, my attention, my help - pretty much all the perks of being in a relationship, without actually being in one, while I get pretty much nothing in return, and because Johnny sometimes feels a certain kind of way or she doesn't want him feeling a certain kind of way, I can't hang out at their spot - the spot that everyone hangs out at - or hang out with her but for short timespans.
So yeah, life sucks right now. If it wasn't for my brother (who I can hardly ever talk to because he's always either high as a kite, off in cocoa, or with Jess), I literally have no idea what I would be doing.
Even if Johnny goes back to jail, I don't think I could be with Jamie. I don't see how you can say you love someone, yet just act like they are disposable. If I love someone, I'm worried about their feelings, I try not to hurt them and I always want to be around them. She don't. She has shown time and time again that she don't care if my feelings get hurt.
She used to show she cared and used to show that she thought of me. I can't think of the last time she showed that cared or thought of me besides when she needed me to hit her or needed me to help her. And now I haven't been doing that, so I basically don't ever go over there anymore. This really hurts my heart I think more than anything I've ever been through and I don't know what to do.