I have chosen to tell the story of my own forced fatherhood in the hopes that I can draw attention to a growing and fundamental injustice in our society. The fact is that when a man impregnates a woman (either accidentally or by deception on her part) the man is expected and required to care for and financially support that child irrespective of the fact that he did not want the child. This is not the case for women (at least not anymore). If a woman experiences and unwanted pregnancy she has numerous options: she can take the “morning after pill,” she can have an abortion, she can go through an adoption agency, she can even abandon the child at a hospital or firehouse in many cities and no action will be taken against her and no questions will be asked. This is not the case with men.
With men, society has taken the attitude of “you should not have slept with her so tough shit pal.” This clearly demonizes male sexuality and it is profoundly unfair. This is especially true for men in my situation who have been forced to become fathers by deceptively evil means. It also fundamentally ignores the very real psychological trauma of having your life changed and your future at the mercy of another person who has proven themselves to be untrustworthy. Consider that, when you read my story.
I was dating this girl for a while, and we had known each other for years and were friends. Anyway, we always had a deeply sexual relationship, but I was always very clear to her that I didn’t want to have kids until I was ready (finished grad school, had a good job, had my own place etc.) and she agreed. She would tell me “don’t worry, not until you are ready, I promise.” She must have said that about a thousand times because I was always paranoid about her conceiving (we were using condoms but still). Last year she turned thirty years old and her best friend and her sister in law both became pregnant. Slowly, I began to notice that she kept bringing up having a baby more and more. I was still very much against having a child now.
One day during sex the condom had broken and I had already finished. She reassured me that it would be no big deal. I gave her money to buy a morning after pill (she agreed and took the money). I asked her if she wanted me to come with her, but she knew I was tired from both the sex and the fact that I had been up studying for two days straight, so she told me to stay home and rest. In hindsight, I should have gone with her.
She called me up later that night to tell me she had taken the morning after pill and everything is fine. The next day she flies out to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. I am thinking all is well. She even calls me from there to tell me that her menstrual cycle started so I didn’t have to worry. Time goes by (about two months) and we are still talking, but work/school keeps me really busy so I didn’t have time to see her like I had wanted. Then all of a sudden she calls me up and says “I am pregnant, sorry.” And just like that my world, plans, and hopes for the future were destroyed.
She told me that she knew for the longest, but didn’t want to upset me so she kept it from me. I suspect the real reason for her silence was that she was waiting for the legal window for an abortion to close. When I brought up abortion it was already too late. She made it clear she didn’t care how I felt and that she was going to have this baby. I pointed out to her that she had no education, she lives at home in an apartment that is already well above capacity and has no real job. She didn’t care. She just wanted the baby. Things got very bitter between us because I told her I wasn’t ready and she knew that, but that didn’t matter to her. When I brought up the fact that she promised me her response was,
“I kept my promise, until now.”
It was like talking to a child (ironically) and when I brought up the fact that we did not have any money and that kids are expensive, she gave another idiotic response,
“A baby doesn’t need much, they just need like food.”
I couldn’t believe my ears! She was treating this as if it was a stray dog she had found! Long story short, I fell into a suicidal depression. She didn’t care at all, she used me, stole from me what I can never get back the joy of having my first born when I was ready. She put my financial security and the upbringing of my child in jeopardy. She took it upon herself to ruin my life without mercy or care. And it was all because she wanted to be pregnant like her friends. As if bringing forth a new person is something to compete over.
My depression grew worse and I had to seek help. Currently, I am in counseling and trying to make the best of a horrible situation. The more I learned about forced fatherhood, the more I learned I am far from alone an article in Daily Mail talked about four men who have suffered similar fates. I am not of the position that until men are afforded the right to legally opt-out of an unwanted pregnancy the entire law governing abortion is predicated on a fundamental injustice that extends to women more reproductive rights than men.
To any man out there reading this, I say to you. GET FIXED! Obtain a vasectomy while there is still time. They can be reversed later if you want or you can just store your sperm at a sperm bank so that when you find the right woman you can start a family on your terms. Don’t make the same mistake I did and trust someone who only treated me as a means to a maternal end. To any women out there contemplating this or have heard stories about "pregnancy traps" and think it might be a good way to get him to commit, understand what you are doing. You are about to commit a rape of a persons life. Forced fatherhood is no different from "stealthing" where a man takes a condom off without his partners conscent. It is vile, it is evil, and if there is any justice left in the world one day it will be treated as sexual assult because I can assure you first hand that it invokes the same emotions after: shame, anger, sadness, etc.