An exclamation point can really make or break a sentence, ever notice that! _ ?
B-word!
He didn't say b-word, he called me the real one, the one that rhymes with ditch. I won't say that word. I've already explained several times why DanDays won't say that word. There's two words in the English language Pura's never heard me say or translate, recite, et cetera and never will. The other one rhymes with digga.
[B-word] you're from the 1900's!
How am I not supposed to laugh at that? I can't be expected to maintain composure in a crowded queue when dude breaks me off with a clever insult. "1900's.." I AM from the 1900's! Funny. I laughed out loud and accepted defeat.
Good one. Remind me to never compliment your fake ass tarantula eyelashes again.
Not really.
That joke's based on actual events.
I was in the grocery store yesterday is what happened and saw a little girl on top of a 10 foot ladder changing light bulbs in the ceiling while her colleague, a dude working register, had fake tits and acrylic fingernails. I saw tarantula eyelashes for sale like the ones the girls in England glue to their face and was like, I know there's a joke here somewhere.
High! _ ? I'm not Dan. You don't know me and these aren't numbers. I give zero fucks about someone I've never met dismantling their own reproductive system, in fact, I encourage it.
I'll sharpen your knife!
When I was a kid, we rolled up our pant legs and shaved lines in our eyebrow's. Now, they're androgynous and identify as improper English. Be like me, encourage that shit!
In the span of 30 years, we managed to evolve from high-water parachute pants and Criss-Cross stylists to everyone gets a trophy and gender discrepancies at the Olympics. At this rate, all we gotta do is stay alive another 30 years and they'll be chopping off their other head on Netflix.
I say dust off the guillotine's! _ ?
When the dermatologist asked me to list the current medications I'm taking and I said 'none,' they looked at me like I said I identify as a wet deck.
Sir, it's confidential, we respect your privacy. In order to prevent complications, you're required to disclose your current medications.
None.
None?
Correct.
The whole office stopped what they were doing to see who said it, "NONE? _ !" In disbelief like I can't make up my mind and now I identify as a shirt.
If only I could fix myself as easily as I can fix everyone else.
And be in two places at the same time, that would be cool.
Whoever said everything's bigger in Texas never went to Tennessee.
East Tennessee's 30 miles from us, we went to a wedding there a couple weeks ago. Gorgeous wedding. Massive plot of property the brides' parents own with dozens of horses and other wild life and a river running through it. The newlyweds exchanged vows in the middle of the river. Surprisingly cool day for July in The South.
I've been to a bunch of weddings, iHeart weddings! Hashtag CostumeParty. Pura and I are undefeated in best dressed at however many we've been to. I always warn the groom. It's only fair. If they're going for best dressed, they best bring the heat.
I am.
My thoughts vary widely at a wedding. I'm all over the place from 'congratulations' to 'who are these people, nice venue, Mmmm cake!! I'm getting some tonight for sure, I'm hungry'—all over the place.
Not in Tennessee. Never crossed my mind. I'm looking around; middle of the river, behind me, over where the caterers are, +/- 100 people to my left and right like..
Maybe I need to eat more.
Am I not eating enough?
When's the last time I weighed myself?
That's probably why I needed a new belt.
Maybe everyone else's chair is smaller than ours.
I'm hungry.
Missed the whole ceremony!
We go there regularly—Knoxville. Atlas's vet is there, I get the oil changed in the cars there, gimp golf is there. It's what I call disc golf—gimp golf. Look, I'm out there throwing frisbees on one leg and my homeboy Chris throws with one arm. He's the dude I told you about back in 2020 when we were locked down in the UK and he got caught in that wood chipper and lost his arm. Hashtag GimpGolf. Fuck yourself if you don't like it. I've since started a notepad called Welcome to Knoxville, wanna hear some?
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where all that separates Sunday Service from The South's Largest Adult Superstore is a left turn.
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where if you ain't white, good luck with that!
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where Parking Here For Emergency Vehicles Only means wife drop-off.
Knoxville, Tennessee. Keep going?
Where Mtn Dew and Moon Pies come from (that's not a joke).
Neither is where drugs are weighed in pounds and people in kilos.
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where consistency means Friday or Saturday.
Knoxville, Tennessee. Welcome to Knoxville where they're so big they don't get cold! _ ?
Alright, I better stop or we'll never get invited to another costume party.
I once said I'll put my mouth up against anyone and didn't realize how poorly I worded that til it was too late.
My wife graduated Summa Cum Laude from UC Berkeley in California. That means she graduated top of her class with a 3.9865 GPA. She hates when I do that—brag about her.
Test taker extraordinaire, reads umpteen thousand words a day, law degree, real estate license, yata yata, super smart. And a knock-out! I'm The Luckiest Guy I Know.
Just don't ask her to load the dishwasher.
Doooooood! _ ?
She will throw things. Things will break. "Why don't this fit?! We got the wrong size dish washer!" I've heard it all.
"I don't know why they make these stupid things! What's wrong with washing dishes by hand?!"
"Stupid frying pan!"
Or drive.
When I drive or ride shotgun with someone, anyone, even an Uber, surrounding drivers have command of the road. I can talk on the phone, change the song, enjoy a conversation, never a bad time for conversation when it's just you and the Uber driver and the house is 20 miles away. Not Pura.
No one can drive when my wife's driving. Roads are congested with incompetency when she's behind the wheel. Even traffic going the opposite way.
"Nice turn signal, asshole!"
"GET OFF MY ASS!" She exclaims while vehemently scolding the rear view mirror with her finger.
Look out!
I yell at the rapidly approaching brake lights in the windshield to which she yells back at me in a voice that only comes out whilst behind the wheel of an automobile:
YOU-WANNA-FUCKING-DRIVE?!
Honking and turning red and cursing and pointing and..
(I do most of the driving)
My microwave has express cook times where if you need 1 minute of heat you just push the #1, one time. Same goes for 2, 3, and 4 minutes because nothing's worse than needing 1 minute of heat and not enough time to press 1-0-0.
Last but not least, I'd like to give a special shout out to Covid. Hell yeah, Covid.
Before you, only pizza and Amazon delivered. Now, I can get whatever I want from wherever I want delivered to the door by noon. You rock, Covid!
A pair of shoes two sizes too big from Target, check
Home Depot—shovel, Quikrete, check, check.
Tarantula eyelashes from Aldi, check.
12 gauge shells, latex gloves, ski mask from Walmart. Check, check and check.
Raspberry smoothie with an extra shot of ginseng from.. yeah, right! Smoothie in The South, 'ok.' You'll have better odds finding naked doubles Paralympic tennis players. Order a smoothie around here, they'll send over a soft serve ice cream.
To the door! _ ?
Cheers, Covid!
