“I am so sorry to tell you this, but I cannot find a heartbeat”
When the doctor said this, I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach and the wind had been pushed out of me. I looked to Brad, and we both felt complete shock to hear this, after having heard our baby’s heartbeat just seven days before this. We explained to the doctor that I had no warning signals to identify this was happening. It felt like we had been cheated into believing all was well and my body gave no signal to warn us otherwise.
We asked the doctor if we could leave the room to go and pray outside and come back for a second scan.
While we prayed, I felt courage well up inside me and the fear that was peeking from behind the wall was crushed immediately. God met us there in that clinical space and filled us with warm comfort and a deep, deep sense that God was in this. Even though I had hope to anticipate that God would perform a miracle and make our baby’s heart beat again, I felt like God took His shield and placed it in front of us to stop any feelings of anxiety to creep in.
Starting our own family was Brad and my deepest desire and we gave it up to God to hold this dream in the palm of His hand.We had our second scan, and the doctor looked at the scan carefully to confirm what had already been said about our baby- there was no heartbeat. It feels like your whole world has been scooped up into a blender and all the parts of your journey get blended into a whirly pool of mess. We left there with such immense pain in our hearts and we drove back home while notifying our families and the community which we had grown close to.
There are no words which can really describe what it feels like to experience the feeling of losing something you have grown to love in just 12 weeks. This baby weaved its way into our souls and was a symbol of how God knows the deepest desires of our hearts. We felt like God had revealed to us the characteristics our little one had and how they would have contributed to society. The following verse stuck with me as I prayed for God to reveal more of Himself:
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5
God clearly described how our little one carried the calling to be a prophet to the nations. When I heard God say this, it broke my heart as I grappled why God would take them so soon when they had such an incredible calling to live out. Ever so gently, with a big smile on his face, I felt God say, “Your little one was to be borne from you and Brad- as their parents you carry that calling too.” Hearing this took my breath away and I just called out words of praise to my heavenly Father. “wonderful”; “King of kings”; “all honour and praise belongs to you alone”; “Creator of the heavens and earth”. God knows that starting a family is our greatest dream, yet He was able to remind us of the legacy that we will pass down to our children.
Even though I am finding God in this heart-breaking season, it is important to acknowledge that this season will have its ups and downs. Grief is one of the hardest things to describe to someone else and it is an emotion that is hard to relate to when you do not experience the same grief. Before this, I had felt sadness at the loss of loved ones, the grief of moving countries and the pain of not seeking God’s love when I needed it the most. In retrospect, these things did not appropriately prepare me for the grief that you feel in miscarriage. It is an erratic journey, where you want to be loved and to run away and hide at the same time. You feel emotions come pouring out in tears at the smallest triggers and you cannot control it. Grief plays on your mind and it eats away at you when you allow it to fester too long without inviting God into the mess.
The most important thing I am learning in this painful process is to let people comfort me. Before this, I wanted to be the strong one, who would hold others up in their pain and I loved being trusted to love others in their painful stuff. It is the most challenging thing for me to let others comfort me; to be vulnerable and to let people love me when I am not
strong. This verse is something I wrote down at week 10 of our baby’s life: “For we are glad when we are weak and you are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for.” 2 Corinthians 13:9
God restores our hearts in the pain. He gently lifts us up in our weakness and ministers to the broken pieces. He mends and holds you. He longs to comfort and is gracious to never force it on us- we have the choice to let him into the pain. Grief takes time and you have to be kind to yourself. Rushing the process or trying to forget about it will make it worse.
Our life is a testimony to how God embraces the mess and turns the tough times into glorious praise to Him. He is a loving Father who is always kind, always patient and always willing to wait for us. It is a joy to know that our little one lives in heaven with their cousins and they are already enjoying close intimacy with God-something that I cannot wait to enjoy one day when we are reunited again.
How to comfort someone when they experience Grief of miscarriage:
- Say less and love more- use your words, hands, presence, hugs, silence, tissues, gifts.
- Keep any grief phrases to the minimum- Avoid phrases like “You will get over this; You
can try again; It’s time to move on; At least you were not further along; It won’t happen
to you again” - Stick to the following phrase: “I am so so sorry”
- Give them time to heal- it may take days, months, years.
- Remember to just love with your actions as much as possible and let them cry.