No matter how hard I fall or upset I become, every day is a new day! Now if only I could fall asleep like a child as well and not only reset every time I woke up. It wasn't always like this, I remember around 5 years ago I had a breakup so painful that it would make auto-pilot sound like an innovative breakthrough. I felt empty and depressed every single day from waking until bed. You would imagine that it would go away eventually, with some good days even—sprinkled between them. Being dead while still walking, dead in the soul.
Months of walking in a heavy fog that became a part of me, nothing could shake. I felt like I would be lost in an abyss forever. One day I woke up, and I was better. Not even remotely feeling like the days and months before. It feels that because of this, my brain erases every morning and I start with a clean slate.
As disgusting as it sounds, no matter the fight or how I feel going to bed—I wake up to a default pleasant start.
A Severe Coping Mechanism
Our minds try to protect us from negative memories, and I've heard of people being able to remember traumatic experiences. It is terrifying to note here and I'm actually not sure how many people experience this, but I forget things that have emotions tied to them. I initially thought this was a type of repressed memory defense mechanism, but I also forget positive emotions as well. I'm more forgetful than I would like to be. It messes with my social life to extreme lengths, most times I don't realize it either.
My day never starts bad but it can become bad, it can also end up eventful and awesome c:
What I dislike about this is that although this prevents me from waking up grumpy, I also can't have the same level of fulfillment or afterglow from the previous day's events. If I was angry or despairing yesterday, it's gone now... But if I was motivated yesterday, it's gone now too.
Destroyed Short-Term Memory
I may come off as spunky and strongly voiced, but what if I told you that the reason I go hard is that I'll forget if I don't? If I want to do something, no matter how hard I want it or believe that I do—if I can't act on it right then and there I'll lose it overnight. At times, I completely forget something I wanted to do in the first place.
I thought I was losing it, still might be. Something interesting that I have observed is that things I plan on my board occasionally become irrelevant or not as important as I previously thought after a few days. There have been enough times that I learned something that I felt could change my entire life but woke up the next morning wondering what it was.
It's like having a fuzzy memory of a dream but it wasn't a dream, it was yesterday.
A Different Person A Different Day
Although I am still me everyday, I don't feel like the same me. It's like having the same characters in a story but going through a different arc. My interests are the same, but how strongly or weakly I feel about anything can vary greatly—if it even still matters in the first place. I wake up at ground zero and figure out where to start.
It's depressing when I remember. That I can't connect to the brave thing I did yesterday that I was proud of. That I'm running in circles, or that unless I want something so bad that I can drop everything around me, I cannot have it.
I've realized this before, but I forgot the other times already. -And each time I remember, my fantasy world shatters because it becomes revealed to me that even though I believed that I walked 20 miles forward, I'm actually walking in place.
A Trade Made in Silver Linings
Not all is lost though. What I'm noticing is that as long as I can directly apply something I learned to a personal situation before I go to sleep I will retain it. It cannot be one of those; I'll look into this later, or soon type of situations. The conscious will and desire to remember by applying is enough to push something fresh into long-term memory.
This may sound like a horrible situation to be in, but there are some good things to come from it. I can actually sleep almost anything off and quickly mentally/ emotionally recover when I have an extra sucky day... And I suppose that if I want something I have to want it more than everything else and prove to my brain that:
This is important, so you gotta remember it.
