To anyone who wants to read this,
I am feeling suicidal.
And no I’m not harming myself, not self-mutilating and I’m not planning my death. I just don’t know why I’m breathing still, with nothing to look forward to.
There was this rumor about me once in high school that I tried to kill myself. When I learnt about it, I was like “From where did they get that idea? Why would I ever kill myself? My life is too precious to waste it because of a bunch of ignorants who don’t know any better and who chose to harass me for my beliefs (or in my case, ‘unbelief’.. trying to make a joke.). Even if I never really liked living here or never got along with people in here, I still love myself, my family and my friends and I’m looking forward to the future”. I went through a rough time as a teenager, but what made me go through it that I knew it was temporary and that I’m bound to leave the place for a better future and that I have the potential for it. When it got overwhelming, I asked my parents to take me to a psychiatrist, who later on told them..“she’s a smart kid, I wouldn’t worry about her, she’ll be fiiiine”. The support of my family and friends, and my faith in what the future holds for me always kept me hopeful and optimistic about everything.
Over the past couple of years however, I’ve learnt that nothing really matters, life has always been unfair and unless you’re patient and have the ability to endure constant blows, you’re doomed to be miserable for the rest of your life. We do things to be happy right? Our accomplishments, achievements and our enthusiasm to live life are all there to serve one ultimate purpose: that of being happy and satisfied. What if you can’t imagine one thing that could make you feel happy and satisfied? And when you do imagine something that would make you feel so, bear in mind that it’s just temporary. Nothing is really worth it. I haven’t seen most of things in life to assume so, but when I imagine a best case scenario where I’m “supposed” to be happy and satisfied, I don’t feel excited about it at all, and still don’t feel it’s worth it. It’s like I already feel that it wouldn’t change anything, that it wouldn’t make me feel any happier.
Having my dream job? A beautiful house? A loving partner? Traveling the world? I don’t feel excited about any of it anymore. I don’t see the point of living at all. When I reason with it, I don’t see the point of it at all, I can already see myself bored or suicidal despite having all of that. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for more than a year now, never acted on them and not really planning to. I never really tried to end my life because in a way I was kinda hopeful, and in my mind my family needed me, I couldn’t forgive myself if I caused them such pain.
Now, after my dad passed away, I experienced something new with my family..with what’s rest of it anyway. I don’t feel we have the same connection anymore. I’m not worried about them anymore, they will handle themselves. Right now I know they can and eventually will get over my death. So now that the two reasons preventing me from committing suicide do not exist anymore, I’m reconsidering suicide. The thing is, I’m too coward to take my own life. I’ve always thought that people who do so are cowards and weak and I’ve always believed that I am strong and brave. Now I think I’m the one who’s being an indecisive weakling who can neither find joy in living nor have enough resolve to put an end to it all.
I can’t open up to those I love because I can’t talk when I’m in this state. I don’t see the point anyway. They tend to take things personally, get mad at me for not opening up and end up judging me and blaming for causing them pain. Humans are self-centered even in their sadness. I’m not seeking their attention, I don’t really care if they’re around right now. I’m just seeking answers I know I can’t get from them. To be honest, I’m seeking answers to which I have no clear questions in head. I think I just need someone who knows what life is about to convince me that it’s worth the shot after all.
I wake up and go to sleep having the same thought in mind: life isn’t worth it, I’ll be better off dead. I don’t feel mad, or sad, or anything. I don’t feel anything. I just reason with it and think to myself that I’m simply suicidal because I don’t feel like I have a purpose. I just wake up to do whatever I “have” to do, mechanically, proceed with doing my tasks normally. I get distracted by them a bit then things go back to where I left them inside my head. Nothing really matters, nothing really makes sense anymore.
Feeling suicidal is always there, it’s either amplified with daily events or just lingers there, quietly, in the back of my head. The state I’m in seems to get worse with each passing by. A mixture of feelings of anxiety, stress, over-thinking and unresolved depressive episodes. I sank in too deep that I feel that any attempt of rescue will be futile.
I used to mutilate myself when I was depressed back in high school. Now looking back at that, I think it was stupid to cause myself scars that I would regret later on. It’s either you completely take your life or express your anger in ways that wouldn’t harm you. It must’ve felt good though (but still stupid) to vent and let my anger and frustration out that way.
I also think I have anger issues. Many times, like right now, I sit calmly, looking self-composed, thinking reasonably, typing, while there’s a storm in my head of violent thought like smashing things and screaming at the top of my lungs. I also react aggressively when those close to me come talking to me “thinking” they’re helping me. All their attempts end up making me feel angrier and more frustrated with life. I don’t know how my anger issues can relate to my suicidal thoughts but it was just a random thought I had.
I’m way too bitter to carry on, and way too broke to afford a psychiatrist, who may, or may not help.
I don't know what to do at this point.