Becoming an open book!
Social media, the place where you find all the good things in life! The place where we all share our happy moments, pictures where we smile and hide the shadow side of our life!
The same goes for me! I share the happy moments in my life, and I shy away when things become personal or go in deeper to my life behind the screen. While I speak open and honest about most things, I realized that I am not the open book I wish to be!
I am an open book with a few hidden pages!
I have blogged about the pain I felt when I lost my dad last year. I have blogged about emotions, yet I always shied away from becoming too personal. Only a few weeks ago I started to wonder why I do that. Is it because I don't want people to know who I am? Is it because I fear the reactions? Or is it the fear that lives in me, the fear that people who laugh at me, think am I weird or even plain boring!
I want to change and become better at being open about all aspects of my life! I no longer want to hide the shadow or personal fears I face on a daily base. I want to learn how to be open and not shy away to end up hinding myself and my ideas!
I want my readers to know who I am
Hi, my name is Bianca and here is the first thing you might not know about me!
While I might come across as an outgoing person here on Steemit. Someone who is not scared to speak or make a joke, someone who can be found in voice chats and channels just to have a laugh, someone who is a co-host on a radio show, I am one of the shyest people you might ever meet!
Oh, you are so cute when you are shy! Shy people are CUTE!
WRONG! Maybe in some cases, it might be cute but being shy is a serious pain in the ass! Excuse my french! Shyness is a monster, a demon inside a person or at least that's how I feel it!
Shyness in my case is far from cute because it affects my life! It keeps me from being and showing who I am. It scares me and holds me back. It steals my life away from under my feet. There is a constant battle in my mind while I talk to people or meet someone new and it wears me out!
You shy? Get outtaaaa here!
When I tell people that I am super shy most of them start to laugh and wave it away. They don't believe me! ( Darn it) Until the moment I pull of my mask. ( I should wear a batgirl mask!) When I give people, those I know well, a peek into my mind they start to realize that I serious battle this every hour of the day! A simple voice chat....Battle. A meeting?... Battle! Radio show... Batlle some more! Writing down a reply to a post.... Battle... Speaking my mind? ...Freaking biggest battle ever! And these are just a few examples. You might not see or hear that I am shy, but it's always there!
I question every step I take, every word I write, every post I share and every spoken word that rolls over my lips! And it makes me so darn tired! In the middle of an interview for the radio show, my mind will go beserk on me! What the hell did I just say? OMG, did I really say that? I have not enough knowledge to talk about this! They are going to know that I am stupid! I can't do this! I need to run away and hide! I will say something stupid! They will hate me! I can NOT do this! They will kill me! No one likes me anymore! I should shut up because I suck! I HATE MYSELF!
While it might seem funny at times or even cute, it really wears me down! Lucky for me, I can laugh at myself and tell myself that everything will be okay! But, that took me a long time! I am taking baby steps to get myself out in the open more and might even take two steps back at times. It's a lesson, progress that will need time just like anything else in life!
My goals
I want to become the open book I always wanted to be, and therefore I am going to open myself up here on Steemit! I will write more posts like these under the same title and share more and more information about who I am and what I do. Shyness is just one of the shadows that I am trying to tackle in my life! To become that open book I need to share! My first task is to stop hiding and throw myself into the mix and open my mouth! Tell people what I think and feel, share my ideas even if this all scares me to hell and back!
Coming topics
More about shyness
Agoraphobia
personality disorder
Therapy
My road to healing
Horrors from the past
Thank you for reading my post!
Best wishes
@poeticsnake
