No shortcuts
This is not your average motivational essay you may read. You see, positivity and optimism does not come natural to me. My days are mostly gloomy, hazy, unsure, and stagnant. It is mostly occupied with doubts about myself and how everything is happening all at once. I am suffering in my own skin; an illness neither understood completely nor accepted completely. So, for anyone struggling with their own minds, the depressed, the anxious, the borderline, the traumatic, the empty, the lost, the alone, the different, and the “weirdo”– this is for you.
Is there a word for the moment you win tug of war? When the weight gives and all that extra rope comes tumbling towards you. How even though you’ve won you still wind up with muddy knees and scratches on your hands. Is there a word for that? I wish there was. -Sarah Kay
There might be days when you feel nothing and notice your heartbeat or the rising and falling of your back as you breathe. There might be days when it seems like time is slow despite having the same 60 seconds as everybody else. There might be days when you feel like your back to square 1 after weeks of progress. It is okay. It is not your fault to feel like life is hell, it happens.
Do not add up frustrations after frustrations just because you think you are invalid– too sick to do something right. Acknowledge the emptiness, acknowledge the misery, acknowledge the fact that you are in hell. Be true to what you feel. Stop figuring out why things are happening when you can’t calm yourself down. Take your time. Breathe. Calm down. Breathe.
Go take a bath, go somewhere, ride a bus, board a train, or eat cake when you are too tired to sleep for the fifth time today. Do what you usually do after being a hermit at home or a smelly ogre in bed. Do it. Why? Because like a fog, it may go heavy and settle down and try to block out light but it will lift up. A fog doesn’t stay there forever, it vanishes.
And when your “fog” does, suddenly, taking a bath is not a burden, going somewhere is an adventure, riding a bus or boarding a train is not a trip to your death, or eating a cake is not sinful. And that right there, is positivity and optimism. Sometimes, it does not always have to be big pep talks, confettis, loud voices, or cheesy banners. Sometimes, it is doing the simplest thing amidst the fog in your life. Battles like that, no matter how small, or simply getting through your day is debilitating and it eats your remaining energy.
So, my fellow sufferers, be optimistic when you manage to get out your bed, when you shampoo your hair, when you listen to music, or even when you’re breathing because I know how awful it is to be alive when all you want is nothing but to die. Continuing to search for the light amidst the fog is positivity.
As time goes on, you’ll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t. Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself. -Haruki Murakami
This essay was birthed after I experienced somewhat of a backlash and had a series of episodes. Sometimes, the world is just oblivious to the people who seem like they're not trying, when trying is the best thing they can do. Society has turned a blind eye towards how our way of life is taking a toll on each and every one of us. People cope differently, and we need to understand that. I reach out to everyone that's having a hard time, people who are diagnosed and suffering from a mental illness, you're not alone in the world. Tremendous amount of love for all of you! Thank you for stopping by to read! xx
(All photos are mine except for the art from tumblr user tackled)