I do not believe in God and I've run out of apologies.
This has always been a touchy subject for me. I recently read @zoedolan's intro "Am I Transgender Anymore?" and it urged me to go ahead and talk about something I already meant to bring up with you guys. Thank you, Zoe, for reminding me of the importance in this!
I know there's a pretty diverse community here who may not understand the severity of this for me because not all places hold the same beliefs.
I have lived in East Texas all my life. I lived in Dallas first, but then I moved deeper into East Texas to a community called Diana, Texas. There were 66 of us in our graduating class of 2014. I was raised in church in Dallas and apparently "accepted God into my heart" when I was 6 years old. I don't think at that age I could have possibly understood what that meant.
I knew when I was 10 I didn't believe. I also knew my classmates, their parents, and my teachers were devout Christians. If I'd spoken my true feelings I would've been stoned to death before my peers hung me from the flagpole after school for everyone to point and laugh at!
Most of my peers assumed they understood my whole life. There were two churches in the community and everyone went to one or the other. Being the new student, it did not take them long to catch on that I wasn't a member of either.
Then it started.
In the fifth grade it started with "Oh, Natalee is gothic." I had never heard that word before. Then it escalated to one of the lovely church girls telling everyone that I, at 10 years old, was pregnant. Then I was gothic, fat, and pregnant. The next year I was a devil worshipper. The year after that I was a devil worshipper and a whore who cut myself. And then came rumors that I was giving blow jobs to high school boys at school. It was always something.
These were all things that were said about me simply because I did not join in the prayer circle at school and I was not seen at church on Wednesdays or Sundays. I wasn't cutting myself, I certainly wasn't participating in sex of any kind and despite being called a devil worshipper all I wanted was to love and care for others.
I was never good enough for them. I was in the first quarter of our class, made straight A's and I was kind to everyone - but I was still ugly as far as they were concerned.
I was taboo.
I once heard someone, Christy, telling an innocent Mormon girl that she would burn in Hell for being a Mormon and that she was an atrocity to the school because of her beliefs. That's why I sarcastically said they would've stoned me to death had they known that I really didn't believe in God. I always lied and said I did believe because it was easier that way. I did not owe them an explanation and frankly I knew I'd be talking to a brick wall if I tried to explain to them all the reasons why I didn't - and still don't - believe.
After I turned down the pre-med scholarship and decided to stay home, I started working at JC Penney to make a living. I had a very sweet elderly woman who needed help finding a nice comforter set for her bedroom. We didn't have what she liked in the store but I took the time to bring her to one of our computers to show her our online selection. After spending four hours with her we found exactly what she was looking for! My day was made knowing that I made her day - she was lit up with happiness and appreciation towards me. It wasn't until she thanked me that my day went downhill:
She smiled bright and beautifully, held my hands in hers, looked deeply into my soul and said "You have been such a wonderful help today. I just know you're a great Christian girl. You are a Christian girl, aren't you?" I smiled, hid my frustration and nodded yes. She asked what church I attended. I lied, said I'd only been in the area for a month or so and hadn't found a church yet. Of course she invited me to hers and I thanked her, but I was incredibly bothered.
Can I not be a great girl if I am not a Christian? Is that all I am good for? Can I not NOT believe and still have morals, respect, and intelligence? What if I'd said that no, I do not believe in God? Would she have taken back her thank you, or would she have guilt tripped me for not sharing her beliefs?
I gave her a hug and told her I would call as soon as her order arrived at our store. I was bothered for the rest of the night. For whatever reason, after years of hiding, that was it for me.
Shortly after my encounter with her I told my family, friends, and whoever is following me on social media that I do not believe and that I couldn't hide myself any longer. I was so afraid I would lose people important to me when I "came out of the closet" about my feelings. It actually went very well. I have received a lot of respect since then and I have really enjoyed it.
Now when I'm having a hard time, people say "You're in my thoughts," or "I'm sending happiness/positivity your way" instead of "I'm praying for you."
Do not get me wrong - if someone cares enough about me to pray for me, I completely respect and appreciate that. It means very much to me. But now that people respect me enough to remember how I feel and acknowledge it when trying to comfort me, I can't help but just want to squeeze those people close to my heart. How generous those people are for believing so strongly in something, knowing I don't feel the same, and adjusting their words to make the conversation feel more genuine for me.
I feel less heavy, less tension, and more like myself since "coming out". People understand me better. I'm voicing who I am and that's been a big obstacle for me for a very long time.
It hasn't been easy, however. I set up a booth in Gladewater, Texas at a local festival last year. I was selling my jewelry. I noticed a lot of people were in awe of my loose amethyst crystals, so I poured them in a bowl and was selling single stones to those who wanted them. One man walked up and handed me a pamphlet about Jesus. I said "Thank you so much!" and he asked, "Do you believe in God?" I said "No, sir, but I appreciate your pamphlet anyway." and he very bluntly said "Well that's just pathetic. You're going to burn in hell." and he walked away. A woman came up right after him, looked at my crystals and said "Umm, you do know there's only ONE healer, don't you? And I'm not talking about your crystals." I said "That's fantastic to know, ma'am, but I never said my crystals are for healing." ... At that point I was becoming very frustrated and could feel my blood boiling, but I was still being nice. Another woman walked up. Her son saw my rocks and asked if he could please buy one. She looked at my rocks in horror, looked up at me, and said "No, son. We don't DO that kind of thing." and she quickly scooped up her children and ran away as if I were going to possess her children and eat her guts in public.
I've had a "friend" who tries to give me ultimatums - she'll say "I'll do this for you if you let me sit you down and try to bring you closer to God afterwards." At first I appreciated it and felt it was a nice gesture - then it became excessive. I knew she had good intentions, but I shouldn't have to change my beliefs to be worthy of her friendship. If she does not love me and accept how I feel, I will not change myself to accommodate her or anyone. That's absurd.
I've been cussed out, shamed, and made to feel stupid many times since being truthful about how I feel. And that's okay. Everyone wasn't raised to be as polite as I was and I don't have anger towards anyone for that.
I really wanted to write this to let people know that just because someone doesn't believe does not mean they are weak, unintelligent, or troubled souls. In fact, I think my fiance and I are incredibly strong and decently intelligent for two young adults who've yet to begin college. Troubled souls, maybe, but we become stronger with time and experience. Some people, though, aren't dysfunctional at all - they were just raised to believe in science. It does not make them less than.
I hope people of all backgrounds read this and understand a little easier. I know you all have good intentions and are only doing what you feel is right by Him...or by whoever or whatever you believe in. I can only speak for myself, but for me, the more the Bible is forced down my throat the more I never, ever ever ever ever EVER want to give it the time of day. I do not feel good when someone makes me feel like I am less than for not worshipping.
Something else John and I have talked about in depth is that if our daughter ever comes home and asks to go to Sunday school or church camp, you can bet your ass I will take her! I see no WRONG in people wanting to believe in a higher power and I want my angel to express herself without fear of our reactions. I just know that for me personally religion is not the answer at this time in my life and I still have 100% confidence that I can be a fantastic person regardless. For me, life is all about the kindness in our hearts, the gentleness in our touch, and passion for the things we love no matter what they are.
I love everyone and I think people of faith who turn people like myself away are really missing out on loving, wholesome friendships.
I picture myself as a child and it saddens me to reflect on the hate I received growing up. Here I was, a damaged, hurting little girl who would try to say things like "Hey, I know you think I'm a freak but I care about you all so much and I just want to be your friend," but nobody could hear me over their overpowering comments about how awful I was. I would say "Hey, I overheard you talking to your friend about that boy who hurt you. I think you are so beautiful and he is not the boy for you," but nobody could hear me over their yelling that I was bad. I was no good. I was trash.
I was nothing but background noise to them. I could physically feel their pain when I would overhear them crying about their parents getting divorced, a family member dying, or another classmate treating them poorly. I would force my tears away when I would hear them cry to others about the pain they endured because I understood.
I was different. I never expected them to understand me in return. I just hoped they could treat me like a human. I wanted to enter the room without someone looking at me, cringing, and asking "Do you kill people?" before the whole class burst into uncontrollable laughter.
I wanted someone to give me the time of day the way I tried for them.
This was not written to offend anyone or to make you feel guilty. In fact, if you felt guilty, I would probably end up feeling guilty for making you feel guilty! I just think that people like me endure a lot of unnecessary stress and pain because people react with judgement instead of with love.
If more of us reacted with love we could make incredible changes in the world. Not only in the United States, but in every country.
Thank you all.
