Have you been to Drumfearne down the harbour? You mustn't miss it, it's lovely.
Stoop, the strange old man who owned the local shop grinned at me in the way that old people do with too much gum and yellow teeth.
I was tempted to ask the old bastard if it was far but caught myself and asked something else instead.
How do we get to it?
I looked perplexedly out of the window at the rain thinking that if it was miles away it could fuck off.
Oh, that's easy. You just follow the sneaky path!
Stoop chuckled and pointed vaguely to the left of the shop.
I glowered at him. My left hand twitched in readiness to give him a smack around the head.
The Sneaky Path???
My voice dripped with sarcasm like a lady of the night's pleasure squeaks.
That's right! The Sneaky Path, out there turn left at the stream and you will see it.
Stoop licked his lips as if he were a dog scenting a butcher's balls.
I grunted and left the shop shaking my head.
The family were outside arguing over what to do in the rain today. I held my hands out like a sailor weighing cabbages.
Guys, today we are going for cake in a cafe down by the harbour!
Really? That sounds like fun.
Said the Good Lady trying not to cry at the incessant rain thundering down on our heads.
Yes indeed. That's what holidays in Scotland are all about, fun!
I lied heartily.
Now, follow me. Apparently there is a sneaky path.
The Good Lady gave me an odd look at if I had been chewing the magic mushrooms again.
I shook my head, a fucking sneaky path. What kind of shit was that?
We were obviously doomed.
And then...
There really was a sneaky path?
So we followed it.
Through thick ferns.
Into dark holes.
Across amateurish bridges.
Up a big hill.
Over a stile and not the Harry kind.
By now I was starting to think that I had to go back and give old Stoop the kicking he so obviously deserved but then...
It wasn't long before we reached the sea again.
Miraculously, the sun stayed out for longer than two minutes.
We navigated through marshy fucking nonsense and rock pools.
Stopping for a quick bit of art.
Not forgetting the obligatory rainy beach sandcastle.
I found a seam of quartz in a big black rock.
So obviously I had to teach the kids how to smash shit up with stones to get what they want.
The kids were starting to get gnarly for cake so we quit with the arsing around and continued on the sneaky path.
And what do you know... We found it!
And the sneaky path came good.
