Daddy, can we play Splinterlands?
The Little Lady cheeped like a two-day-old chick spying an Easter bonnet.
My eyes rolled so hard I had to hold on to the table to stop myself spinning off into the distance.
We can't, lass. Remember I told you I rent all my cards out now for the Benjamin's?
I made a gangsta sign which given she was nine, only made it look to her as if I was having a seizure.
Awww. But why have you got it open if you aren't going to play?
She rightfully pointed to my laptop which was open on the Splinterlands site.
Oh. Yeah, they've got a thing going. Selling new packs of cards. I was just having a look at what I opened earlier.
I gestured disappointedly at the screen.
Only an hour earlier, I had excitedly jabbed open 150 packs and now I was trying to fight the sinking feeling that I had essentially ejaculated into a mitten made of hundred dollar bills and then set it on fire before throwing it at my neighbour's cat.
Oh! Ohhh!! You bought some packs!! Can I open some? Pleeeease Daddy... Pleeeeeeeease!!!
She clasped her hands out imploringly.
Fuck. I had spent all my ready cash?
The Little Lady made a mewling sound like a giraffe stubbing a hoof on an escalator.
Bollocks. How could I refuse my firstborn?
Only slightly grudgingly, I shoogled some HIVE, SPS and other dribbles of magic internet money into vouchers and three Splinterlands CHAOS packs. Then obviously had to shoogle some more for the potions. After all, you cant open packs without potions. It is one of the rules of being fleeced.
Tada! You can open three.
I swivelled the laptop in her direction.
Yay!!!
She watched as I showed her how to drag the bits and bobs to the big swirly thing.
Yeah, that thing.
Right go!
I let her loose.
She extended a wobbly finger and opened the first pack. a varied selection of shite and dross cards flipped over. Half-heartedly, I congratulated her in helping Daddy to build up a tower of shit. Although, perhaps not quite in those words.
So can I open another one?
She boinged eagerly up and down in the chair.
Yeah, go for it kid.
I watched, making my patented, life is shit and someone has just shat in my shoe, can it get any shitter? face.
The first card was a Mumping Goblin or some nonsense. Inwardly I sighed.
Daddy this card is shaking?
I pulled my attention back to the screen where indeed her second card was shaking...
A legendary!!! Yay girl, you got a legendary card. They are super rare!
I high fived her. This was more like it. This. This is why people have kids. It was so clear to me now.
She opened the next. It was a seashell that looked like a luridly coloured vagina. Hmmph.
Then the next.
HOT QUACKING SHIT?!
It started vibrating and doing that funny legendary shake. Another legendary!! 2! In one pack!
Daddy look! Look!
The Legendary had flipped over but now it was making that shhmirshing sound of a gold foil materialising.
I watched in awe as it turned into a gold foil. A level two, gold foil Legendary Salted Caramel ghost thing.
Awesome!! I quickly checked how much it was valued.
$465 smackers!
I lifted my beautiful lass up out of her seat and twirled her around in the air laughing before depositing her back down.
You did amazing lass. I owe ya!
I ruffled her hair.
You owe me? Oh, excellent. Can you buy me a pony?
She beamed up at me.
I ruffled her hair again and thought of golden legendary things.
Of course I can, lass. You can have two.