Can you take the kids to the supermarket? There's a bit of shopping to do.
The Good Lady barely glanced up from her laptop where she was furiously tapping away. It reminded me of when I was working except that my job sucked balls and wasn't in the least bit important.
Of course I can take the little beggars, darling. Show them how shopping is done properly. Man shopping. Probably come back in two days with lots of meat and smelling of vaginas.
I guffawed at my splendid humour.
Not for the first time I thought I would be splendid at stand-up comedy. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone not laughing as I would do a pretty good job of being my own enthusiastic audience.
Smelling of... Urgh, yes, whatever. Can you make sure to get eggs? We are clean out.
She tutted and went back to tapping away at her keyboard.
Eggs? Your eggs running low are they? Steaming hot shits, lady. What are you expecting? You are in your forties after all. No matter. I will get us more eggs.
I ran over to give her a peck on her cheek then proceeded to round up the children for the grand supermarket adventure.
Come my beautiful children, come. Step into the magical supermarket where dreams are born!
Outside the shop, I tried to avoid the two tramps who were fighting over a congealed kebab and waved grandly at my children to enter like a Circus barker luring in unsuspecting rubes.
The Little Lady dragged her feet as she passed the unfortunate kebab fighters, one of whom reached out his hand and attempted to fumble at the edge of her cardigan as if to catch her attention.
I pulled her onward and made a mental note to myself to return later with an axe and chop the fucking bastard's hand off.
The Little Boom ran beside us making a Vrrrooooooooaar sound as he whooshed his toy helicopter around his head.
We will be done here in two ticks guys and then we will get ice cream, how does that sound?
The children cheered as I grabbed a trolley and we began our supermarket sweep.
Mere minutes later I was torn from my examination of some whisky-infused smoked salmon by a fight kicking off between the members of my delightful brood.
Owww, my eye. you hurt my eye?!
No I didn't, you pushed me?!
Did not, you jabbed me with your helicopter?
I turned around and gave them the hard stare but they were both too caught up in fighting to heed it.
Guys, enough. Behave yourselves. I won't have shouting in the supermarket. In fact, I won't have you shouting at each other, full stop. Understand?
But Daddy, he started it?
The Little Lady wailed plaintively as if she were a slightly burst whoopee cushion deflating.
Enough.
I made a chopping gesture with my hand and waved at them to follow me on the hunt for eggs.
There, matter settled, now where were these fucking eggs? Why did they have to move everything about all the time?
You think that was SHOUTING?!
A small but loud voice roared behind me stopping me in my tracks.
Incredulously, I turned around. That roar, it sounded like the Little Boom? Nah, it couldn't be, he was only four years old.
But it was. Standing some twenty paces behind me and the Little Lady was the Little Boom, his face purple with rage.
I beg your pardon little chap?
I thought diplomacy might bring him back from the cliff edge upon which he was so clearly standing.
Is that all you got?!?!
He yelled at me through a face which resembled a large insane aubergine.
What?
This was new, the little guy had always had a bit of a temper about him but this was off-the-charts madness territory.
You want to see what angry is?!
He was shouting so hard that spit was flying in a way that would make a Covid feartie run for cover.
People were starting to look and some were chuckling at the spectacle of a flame-haired royster doyster giving his father what for.
I marched toward him.
Right little man, enough with the shouting. Come on, let's go outside to calm down.
YOU THINK THIS IS SHOUTING??!?! I'LL SHOW YOU SHOUTING!
With that, he started smashing his fists into some cartons nearby that I realised were eggs.
YOU GOT NOTHING!! NOTHING!! YOU HEAR ME! NOTHING!!
Egg slime whipped through the air from his fists as he raged on.
What the fuck? So that's where the eggs were!
You got nothing!
I swooped over and picked him up and huckled him toward the exit. All the way he raged in my arms and shouted further about me having nothing.
As we left the shop with the thrashing bundle of fury in my arms. I realised that I had finally become that parent that you look at pityingly in the shop with the nightmare children.
Oh well, at least I knew where the eggs were if they ever let me back in.