Happy birthday, darling! Here, we saved the best till last..!
The Good Lady, her eyes sparkling held out her hand. In it was a brown-wrapped, rather plain-looking parcel.
Open it, Daddy! OPEN IT!!
The kids clamoured around me, yelling at me to open the last remaining birthday present.
A warm glow of love and happiness spread through me. True, the presents so far had been a bit rubbish, funky pants, funky socks, a novelty shit in a manger. I didn't mind though.
For I knew what was coming.
I had been hinting for weeks. Months even.
I say hinting but that is too mild a word. I had sent the Good Lady countless links to the thing that I wanted. I had dropped it into casual conversations about home-schooling the children because of the pandemic, I had even managed to shoe in the odd comment about it as we made sweet love.
There was no doubt about it. The Good Lady knew what it was that I was after.
It was simple.
The Leatherman Skeletool in the colour of Coyote...
My last Leatherman had gone astray in the bedlam of having our first child. I don't mean I used it to prise the baby out of the stiff beef mitten that was the Good Lady's hoohaa. Oh no, I just mean that in the frenzy of those days after the birth, we moved house, had stuff everywhere and suddenly, it was gone.
I barely had time to grieve the loss of it in the pandemonium of the parenting years that followed but every once in a while when doing a job around the house, I would stop and think.
Aye, if only I had my Leatherman.
But I didn't have my Leatherman.
It will turn up.
The Good Lady had chirped on many an occasion.
It never did.
I was diminished by its loss and as the years progressed I knew that only one thing would fix this.
A new Leatherman.
A quick swatch of the Leathermen online had led me to the Skeletool. A fine-looking creature it was. I knew we could have many incredible adventures together.
So the hinting had started.
And here we were. Many months later at the culmination of it all.
The Leatherman.
Gently. Carefully. I pulled away the plain brown wrapping paper.
Underneath was a plain brown box.
OPEN IT, DADDY!!
Yelled the kids.
Go on, open it, darling!
I giggled with anticipation then yanked open the box.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK WAS THIS?!?!?
I made a mad burping noise as I tried to stifle a projectile vomit.
You like?
The Good Lady's smile shone at me with the purest of love as I gazed down at the travesty within the plain brown box.
What, is it?
I croaked although I knew fine well what it was.
It's a multi-tool!
She exclaimed.
Yay, Daddy's finally got a multi-tool again!!
The kids capered gleefully around me like devils around a burning witch in an ancient painting.
I picked it up, trying to hold in my bile-farts of disgust. It was a nasty thing. The kind of thing that Justin Sun would be holding up in an advert for Tron as the multi-tool of blockchains.
I looked at the Good Lady. My eyes burning with outrage.
Oh, he doesn't just like it...
She cried, her smile dazzling in its intensity.
HE LOVES IT!!!
She yodelled with the kids.
Everyone cheered and roared at Daddy's happiness.
I let a smile loose upon my face, a broken bitter smile.
You will burn in hell for this, woman.
I thought darkly.
I prised open the multi-tool, it was stiff and clicky.
GAAAARRRR. You will burn in FUCKING HELL!!