Daddy, can we get a parrot?
The Little Lady approached me earnestly with her dangerous wide open asking eyes.
A parrot? Fuck off. I was tempted to reply. However, telling your kids to fuck off is definitely not in the good parent's handbook. A shame though, sometimes it is just what they need.
A parrot? Like a real one?
I laughed merrily as if I were wearing green pantyhose in a forest clearing and preparing to kill one of the Sheriff's men with a sharp stick.
Yes, Daddy. Pleeeeeeeeaaaaase! It would be so cool. We could teach it to say all sorts of things!!
She clasped her hands in front of her and shone her lamp-like convince Daddy eyes at me.
I don't think that's a good idea, lass?
The idea of having an actual talking bird in the house horrified me.
In my mind's eye, I could see it flying above me whilst I slept, dropping shits from its incontinent arse into my mouth and gleefully squawking Fuck off! Fuck off!
What if it caught me cracking one off on one of the vanishingly rare occasions such a thing was possible and announced it victoriously at the breakfast table?!
Daddy had a wank!! Waaaarkk. Daddy had a wank!
That would hardly do. Oh no, we couldn't have that.
No, lass. I don't think we are quite ready to have a parrot in the house. Besides, we have cats. They would probably kill it?
Hopefully, before it got to squawk around shouting that I was a night masturbator.
Aw. I really want a new pet though?
The Little Lady hung her head low in disappointment, like a girl who has just been told to fuck off.
I felt a tad bad. Sometimes being a parent feels like you are always just saying no. But we had two cats and countless fucking guppies. The idea of more pets made my arse clench.
What about a tarantula?
She said in a low voice.
I rolled my eyes upward and sighed heavily. For fuck sake?!?
Right lass. One minute you want an African Snail, the next fish, the next a stick insect. Now a tarantula?! I mean, come on, can't you ask for something realistic. Something that you actually have a chance of us saying yes to? Like another cat?
I snapped with no little exasperation.
The Little Lady seemed unphased. In fact, she lifted her face and started smiling hugely.
Really, Daddy. We can get a kitten?!?! Oh thank you, thank you!!
Her eyes shone with joy as she pranced away shouting about Daddy saying it was ok to get a kitten.
I stared after her and furrowed my brow.
Had I just been played?