As I march toward the grave I have found myself snorting less coke and drinking less Courvoisier in da club at the weekends.
Worse yet, I have occasionally found myself gloving up and jamming my fingers into all manner of soily crevices and I don't mean going on a filthy date with a Argentinian woman.
No, I mean I have found myself gardening.
I know, I know. I do apologise. It's not exactly the kind of quim moistening shenanigans I might have got up to when I was a younger buck but and I dare to say this. It's been quite... pleasurable.
And so, today I thought I would share some of my gardening wisdoms with you all.
Perhaps you will learn something. Perhaps I will in the telling?
Let us see.
I shall start here, on my decking. That I built almost entirely with my own and my neighbours hands.
The deck, although a thing of beauty is said to have been cursed having drank the blood of an Irishman whilst it was being built.
Some even say that in the dead of the night they can still hear his severed thumb wailing forlornly as it rolls along the cold and lonely length of the deck.
But anyway. Back to garden shit.
There we have some Red Panda bamboo in a box. I like to keep all my favourite things in a box. Just ask Alice, my ex girlfriend down in the basement.
It's a purple/red bamboo. But it looks a bit shit as it is still young. Like we all did.
This thing in the middle is blue grass. Not that shitty guitar style where the player has ten thumbs. (Pity the wife-women) No, it's really blue grass, if you squint at it out of if the corner of your eye that is.
This bundle of leaves is a mad flowery tree thing that looks good for about ten minutes in early spring. The rest of the year it looks like green shit.
It's quite hard to make any of this stuff out. It's all fucking green on green.
But I will try.
This weird thing in a pot is some kind of tortured willow shit. I call it Karen
Then we have some kind of climbing shit, I think it called Chlamydia or something.
This flowery little thing is a baby Jasmine. She will grow up to be awesome.
And then we have bay leaves! In abundance, smoke me a kipper!
Don't smoke it though, it doesn't work.
Then we have more bamboo in a pot.
Did I say I love bamboo?
Then more flowers 'n shit in a bit of dirt.
On the opposite side, lavender and flowers of some description. Peony maybe? Is peony a real thing?
Then a red maple. It's got a proper name. Chim chimminy or something.
Beside that is even more of that Red Panda bamboo.
But then, we have this special thing, a clump of chusquea gigantea. Which I think means big chicken in Chinese.
It is a bamboo that has canes that grow up to 15 metres tall and are as thick as a man's arm. My neighbours will love that.
Then the kids playhouse, nestled in among half whisky barrels of flowers 'n shit
Then my biggest bamboo! Black bamboo!!
See, black as night.
And that's that.
Time to make some bread
And drink some beer.
Cheers!