This was really hard to write. I don't talk about it often...in fact, I would say I am only just beginning to understand it now. What's done is done. I guess because the real point to sharing my story is that this actually happened to me....and I wish we handled it so much differently. Medical mistakes are no joke.
Minutes after giving birth to my last daughter
Having my third baby was empowering, and almost killed me. I had her in a hospital, but I laboured naturally. No drugs....it was incredible. I was determined to have a different birth than my first 2.... epidural for both, fear, anxiety and disconnection from the natural process. I was young and un-informed back then, with no parental guidance. I was alone. Ruby's birth was almost perfect. Except for the medical mistakes that would change my very being permanently, marking the beginning of our journey to here.
The pregnancy was great. I sailed through and worked right until the end waitressing. I was determined to have her naturally, and I did! We had a great labor nurse, but not our chosen delivery doctor. The one on call was short with us and only came in one time before the delivery. I never saw him afterwards....but beyond his poor bedside manner, he had made a mistake during my delivery.
I had retained placenta, a piece still adhered to my uterus would begin to make me sick within days. The doctor didn't notice this when he delivered and inspected the placenta. I was discharged from the hospital 2 days later, feeling pretty ill. The next year, especially the first 2 months of my newborn' s life were a blur....not in the happy way we had pictured.
~5 days after birth, back at the hospital due to hemorrhaging. Ultrasound revealed tissue in uterus. Emergency surgery to remove it. No breastfeeding for 48 hrs due to meds.
~week 4 after birth, having trouble with milk, very tired and weak, hemorrhaging again. Back to hospital. Ultrasound revealed same tissue in uterus. Emergency surgery to remove it. No breastfeeding for 2 weeks this time due to meds from surgery and antibiotics for infection.
~week 7 after birth begin constant fever and no energy. Trying desperately to be a good momma to 3 children, cannot seem to breastfeed....crawling up stairs from weakness. Back to hospital. Ultrasound revealed same tissue in uterus. Emergency surgery to remove it. No breastfeeding for 2 weeks due to meds from surgery and antibiotics for infection again....kidneys are infected as well. They can't keep up with all of this poison....blood transfusion needed.
~weeks 8/9 after birth. Given up on breastfeeding. Thinking I am going crazy, crying and raging all the time. I am starting to think my baby doesn't like me. Can't get better and now having chest pains. Dr. sends me back to hospital. Ultrasound revealed the same tissue in uterus and gallbladder is now infected with stones in it that are stuck. Emergency surgery to remove it and once final surgery on my uterus. One week hospital stay to clear up infection. Baby not allowed in to see me.
~7 months after birth I began losing weight and having stomach pains. Rushed to hospital and had emergency surgery to remove 2 feet of my lower intestines due to infection...no one knew why.
At this point, I was a total failure as a mother, wife, as a person. I couldn't function and became sad and agoraphobic. I was told it was severe postpartum due to my age, the fact that it was my third child and my family history. I ended up on 6 different anti-depressants and benzos.
It wasn't post partum depression. 4 of 7 doctors involved made almost fatal medical mistakes on me. My body endured anesthetic 5 times. 6 surgeries total: 4 uterine surgeries, 3 of which were botched. 1 for gallbladder and 1 for stomach. 37 different medications in a 12 week span. No baby or family bonding. No breastfeeding. No chance for another child. As it turns out all of this lead to massive depression, a demolished gut, a cheated family, inferitlity, a 7 year run of addiction, agoraphobia, guilt issues, bonding issues, memory damage and permanent physical damage I am still living with today.
We called a lawyer. I was told a gallbladder wasn't worth much in court, focus on your baby and getting better. I had no education about the effects all of these drugs, infections and traumatic surgeries would have on my body. I took the drugs and tried (but failed) to live a normal life.
Ruby now
Here it is 9 years later. I quit all of the drugs they had me on (after becoming suicidal) by myself. It was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. I am working on making peace with the years of memories that are missing from my mind because of the drugs, among other things. I am beginning to work on healing physically; I now have stage 4 Ashermans as a direct result of all the botched surgeries as well GI problems from missing intestine. I am also slower mentally now, I know this. I have memory and anxiety problems that prevent me from ever returning to my previous job or even my old self.
It has been much easier the last few months, giving in to the fact that I am forever different. I have decided that it is ok....this version of myself is exactly what is supposed to be. I am happily accepting a slower, more meaningful life that my brain works with me in.
Why did I go from keeping this private to sharing it on the Steemit blockchain?? Oddly, Steemit has helped me lately, although I struggle with this blogging thing most days. I have a hard time retaining information and usually function in a bit of a fog. Reading and writing is tricky (probably why I now prefer working with plants and animals) but it helps. So does reading about your lives, struggles, triumphs and wisdoms.
If you are going through anything I could help with, I would love to help you through it. My advice? ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS! DON'T HOLD BACK!! FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCTS! The internet and the people I have met here have taken me a long way from where I was....I am slowly arming myself with knowledge and the tribe I need to continue to heal. If you have read this far, I thank you, perhaps we are part of a tribe. Know that I am here for you too. The best is yet to come, friends. ❤
Thank you for reading! Take care of you and yours ❤
