Don't know how to get the nose of the grindstone on or off of work!? Another day off to work for a small job. Summer is half over and it feels as lonely as winter sometimes. Haven't gone camping or anything. I don't understand middle or high class people who go on vacations all the time. There was a time where I never even had more than one week off a year for 5 years and never went camping or on a trip even once. I don't care about that anyway. Don't care about some hoity toity people going on their trips like they are such a successful consumer. I have never even owned a flat screen t.v. Everyone I know has one! I could never afford it and have no place for a t.v. I don't understand people who watch t.v. or play video games all the time.
I don't know where I am going with this this morning. I just get burned out feeling like it's the same day everyday. My hands are still inflamed! I never wanted myself and family to get so tweaked we are having autoimmune disorders. If the set up of society was different we wouldn't have to constantly stress and struggle over money all the time. It's like we never have a life and I can barely stay inspired cause I constantly feel burned out off and on. I feel like a bloody yoyo going up and down but not going anywhere. I hate the way society is currently set up. I hate my culture and my country. It's so fucking stupid to try to base life and society on consumerism and money. It's just fucked. Take it all down!!
We need a change of life or style. A new job or new place to live. I feel trapped that I don't know what different job to get or any place to live that would be better. The government deemed so many thousands of dollars of debt that they would garnishee my wages for many years if I ever get a normal job. I would not be able to live if a couple people weren't helping me right now. I would be completely homeless.
I think I will have a better day. I sometimes get moody/emotional in the morning. I don't want to work. I just want to read and try to make some music and art and all that. Won't be a long day so I can do some of that when I get back. We are depressed around here a bit cause a job outfit hasn't payed us in a month in a half and we needed that money for a long time for basic survival. I find I get worked up in these stress time. I sometimes get bad strings of anxiety attacks for days and weeks on end when things get tight. I get so much stress and anxiety over work and money. I hate money. I wish it did not control everyones life.
Well gotta go, kinda freaking out. Want to talk and think about something else. I will. I will get some meditative art going later.