Reflecting upon what is going in my life lately has shown me more gaps and emptiness, open pits that brought on the questions of what I have been needing.
First thing to say, it is in my human nature to help people. The need to help someone is so strong that sometimes I am blinded by the needs and intentions good or bad. I have put other people before myself so that they can move ahead and with that I feel pure satisfaction and I feel complete. Now there were times that I knew what I was doing and helping someone meant that I couldn't pay rent but that didn't matter to me. Those times, I didn't have my family. I was ok if I got kicked out of my apartment, and I did.
I never felt any regret for helping someone even if they took advantage. I was on clouds if there was something I could do for someone. (Scratch that... Friendly warning, I will unfriend you if you have me do your dishes.)
When I met my Danny, my husband, our relationship started with me having the biggest urge to help him. All my instincts were so strong that I was unable to not help this stranger. I was questioning myself, what was I doing, this guy must think I am a nutcase. I didn't even know his name. I left him no choice but to let me help him. Ya I am weird like that.
These past few days have been reflecting on just that. I have made some bad choices that weren't particularly bad in the past. Being married also means making decisions together and the way things have happened, well it didn't go that way.
Being a stay at home mom for 7 years now, with the odd occasions of working for my parents restaurant in the kitchen a few hours here and there (not even enough to call it a job), time seems like it is crucially painful. I know I may get some comebacks with this but I am being brave in saying how it was and is for me.
Everyday my life consists of wiping noses, butts, counters, walls, couches, tvs, windows and mirrors. Breaking up fights, doing laundry, cleaning dishes. Kissing cuts and bruises and trying to get gum out of hair. Conversations containing words like poop, boogers, goo goo gaga, poor baby, tickle tickle, peek-a-boo... The list goes on. I am not saying there were and are no highlights but I mean the lack of adult interactions was taking its toll.
I was getting needy. Needy for a break from the kids, from the everyday routines, from life but I couldn't get it and nor could I run away from it. It was a time where I found myself a lot on facebook. What were other people's lives like? What are they doing, what are they cooking? Is it the same for other mothers out there? And then I saw a post. Oh it hit me right where I needed it to be. The people that ran programs for homeless animals were looking for people to foster a few dogs and cats. BINGO! I called and said I was willing to foster a dog.
He was a big boy, tall and oh so fluffy! He loved to cuddle, he had great spirits and and, and well I just wanted to keep him! Without knowing this dog, he was so loyal and just so awesome, I was able to walk him without a leash. He just stayed with me. Well.... Imagine my husbands face when he came home to see this monster sized fluff ball of a dog in the house. He wasn't too happy. You can just imagine how that went... He thankfully got adopted about 4 days later. Wish it could have been me, but that's how it went.
Last year I took on babysitting. In the town I live in, it is very hard for people to go to work unless they are able to afford daycares, or if they are extremely lucky to have a found a babysitter, and that is rare to have here. So this is another case where I didn't talk to my husband about. I knew he would have said no, but I needed something. I needed to help. This was my chance. So I took the opportunity.
That created a lot of argument and stress. I know that babysitting isn't something that seems like a big thing but there are reasons and circumstances behind it all that made things very hard.
So the big thing here is why do I keep insisting on taking action spontaneously like this?
My life has been put on pause as I raise my kids which has made it so freaking hard to help someone else. My needs, my fulfillment has been bypassed. Yet why is it like that if everyday my kids need help every single day? That is helping right?
Well not exactly because they are kids. It is my duty to raise my kids and I know it sounds like I am cruel or making things seem so gloomy and gray but I tell you it is not like that at all.
The more I look at things the more I see that I am lacking human interactions. The most sight of people that I get is when watching a movie, being on the computer chatting with people. Technology is replacing the connections that people have.
Yet things like Steemit, being such a great platform where many people from across the world can connect kind of makes things better. I have connected with some great people, people that I would never want to lose connections with. But in my life, being on this computer chatting with people where all I see of them is a picture, it still takes away real life interactions with people. I yearn to meet these people I have met on this platform.
I am thankful for having Steemit to be able to fill a bit of that gap but I do have to see past that as I could be on here for hours! But that also means that those hours are lost. Chances are lost to meet with friends and family. Which means for me, less gratification of my human nature. I get lost within myself, I lose sight of myself. I get impatient, angry, needy for things than are for nothing.
And then we have these big robotics companies that are making robots to replace people for us to interact with. Where would I be then if that is all I was given? If that is all was left? I would break, I would dive into a deep depression. I imagine myself as a deep sea diver wearing those old diving helmets with a hose attached for air, the lifeline between my and my soul only to have a robot electronic thingy stepping on it, cutting all airways and I drown in the deep dark abyss of the ocean. Sinking deep as my eyes lay upon the last sights before I die. Seeing the many other souls dying from the same fate as I.
I believe it is important to have a healthy relationship with people even if you are an introvert. I have my own tiny circle of people that I need to see more often. 2 really great friends, a tight circle that we have, where we can help each other when needed.
This week it has been brought to my attention that I have not been in action with life. Twice I have been told that it was as though I have been wiped off the face of the planet. I have not interacted with anyone. This is alarming. Because even though I feel as though I have responsibilities on Steemit, I have real responsibilities here. With my family and friends, I need to be present for them or I will lose them. What is more important?
So I feel like I need to apologise to a lot of you as you have been seeing a lot less from me. But you know what? I really don't have a thing to say sorry for on this platform. If anything I must apologise to the people around me.
I have a lot to invest in now with many other things going on in my life like gardening, family, fun events, new adventures etc. So it will happen where I wont have time to stay strongly connected to this platform. But please see that I am not quitting, that I still follow but that my heart is now where it needs to be.
I love you all and I will see you on here from time to time. Much love and respect! XXX