I have been on a sort of bender lately, and not the cool type. I think the opposite of the one you’re probably imagining right now.
There has been no booze, no sexy parties, no drugs and saddest of all, no women. Conversely rather than do all those things that most people my age consider to be fun… I have consigned myself to solitude while seriously pondering where I am right now in live and the path to where I want to be.
It has been lots of fun. Taking most of my time, “I’m figuring shit out” that’s what I tell myself. Yes, for me there is nothing better than lying alone in my bed, or sitting at the edge of a seat, with my head phones on, listening to soft alternate rock songs and working out the maze of worry, self-pity and fear of things that don’t exist. A line from a favourite song (Heaven go easy on me, by the Head and the Heart) goes
Is it that the good life is a simple one Reading good books and playing songs Watching the wind blow through the front yard Don’t follow your head, follow your heart
Well-meaning words. Almost psychedelic if you think about it. Promising clarity where there is none yet failing to give meaning to my personal pursuits, while also not giving concise directions to where I want to be headed. Follow your heart? What if my heart wants my ass to stay right in bed and do nothing all day. Stay lazy and achieve nothing more than observing the sunset every night rather following my head who is tell me to rage against the dying of the light? So I followed my heart. Achieving nothing more than having a heat rash on my bum and always being too tired from being actively inactive. Am I making any sense here? I don’t think so… But I’ll proceed nonetheless.
Lol! I’m cursed with a lazy heart and a head that wants to work extra hard. The two of them do not work in tandem but sometimes, the head gets tricked into spending the whole day doing something menial like drawing out the Fibonacci tree to its’ 30th step or commenting out code written ages ago rather than writing new one.
All fantastic nonsense that adds little next to nothing to my life. Just recycling old knowledge and doing nothing new. My head aspires for more, for drive for purpose, for fire! While my heart says fuck it all… Sit your ass down and enjoy the sunset. Damn!