My Descend Into The Dark Night of the Soul
A change in me arose during this month long locked down in the Appalachian Mountains. I've used the time away from my job to write more articles, practice yoga and find myself once again. A month ago I felt stressed from the uncertainty of losing my job. At the same time I also felt relief in leaving it behind because it will grant me the opportunity to find a new path. I trust in my ability to overcome & thrive during difficult times. However, I still struggle with unhealthy coping mechanism which leave me isolated and frustrated. My greatest obstacle is my own quiet rage.
In the middle of downward dog pose it occurred to me that when I return to work I will need to conform to a public persona. For the sake of convenience I choose not to communicate with coworkers my personal convictions. I've compartmentalized a "work-friendly" version of myself. Is it inauthentic?
I find it hard to trust in people's motives because of the traumas of the past. I don't recall a time where I felt safe to express my identity. As a child I found it necessary to conceal my intentions and keep my frustrations to myself. These complexes find ways to hide behind different masks which trigger a visceral response from me. The tug of war between regression and progress is nothing short than a balancing act.
The process of healing trauma is a long arduous task, and I have chosen to look beyond slogans to make myself whole. They are times when I fall into a perpetual struggle between my impotent rage and total detachment. I truly believe I can heal my wounds, but I need to learn how to feel my pain. The darker aspects of myself are afraid to let go of the past, so they strike at the world with anger.
A key moment of reflection came to me while walking outside in the park. For the first time in 10 years I feel truly comfortable in my own skin. This moment took a lot of years to accomplish. I feel uneasy because it's a new feeling to embrace. Painful self reflection brought me to this point. Sadly, I have been atop of this mountain-top before...only to fall back into a pit of depression.
My Inspiration To Arise!
Three years ago I embarked on one of the most difficult challenges of my life. Because of misguided choices I found myself once again alone & sad. Today, I find myself on a long journey to redeem myself and reunite with my beautiful partner Kelsey and our daughter Yaretzi.
We decided to name our beautiful daughter, Yaretzi because it originates in the Nahuatl tongue and means, "forever loved." These two special ladies are my inspiration!
The patterns of life make me believe in the power of dreams. In my dreams, my little angel grabs me by the hands and guides me to a better world.
It is difficult to detach oneself from the traumatic conditioning of the past. I find comfort in contextualizing my pain and expressing gratitude for the present. I am grateful that my daughter has the opportunity to manifest her childhood surrounded by her mom, grandma and grandpa. I find happiness in knowing that she wouldn't have to struggle the way I did as a child. I am amazed by her endless energy and unshakable determination to be the center of the party.
This Time I Choose To Truly Believe
My unconventional path has completed its revolution from the tragedy of the past and settled on a new foundation. Before I became a father, I was aimlessly striking at all the despotic tentacles that emanated from my broken psyche. My misdeeds stole my peace of mind, but I felt proud in rebelling against my fragile sensibilities. The rage that burned in me hypnotized me with a promise of power. This passion came and went leaving me isolated, alone and detached from my original intention to change the world around me. Now that the circus has left I can see it in my eyes I am ready to embrace my true Self!
I am ready to let go of my armor. I am Willing to be vulnerable and let the world challenge my resolve.
