Maybe it's time for the cryptos to go up and alleviate my pain? Last night, I was extracting my remaining Bitcoin from my wallet against my will, still wishing that it would go up soon enough. Who is really preventing me up there from having a better life? I know I am not alone here. I even paid the last of my SBD for the tax requirements to jumpstart my venture. I gave everything for it, like all in. Mean-spirited politicians even have the nerve to live off my poverty. What am going to lose here? Just my sanity, that's all. I just hope that there will be no more emergencies because I'm really down to the last bit. When my mum passed away a couple of months ago, I told my sister and some relatives that it is forbidden to get sick, or die. Honestly, I've never been the same. My heart still aches every day. I will not even try to die because I don't want that burden for them.
I began to think, how can I focus on my venture now that I'm getting distracted by the basic necessities in life (rent, food and $2 beer)? I started going through all my inventory thinking what I could sell. Poor people should not be materialistic. I could post these things in the expats' forum. Most of these civilized people living in an uncivilized world are hungry for stuff anyway. Hungry for more.
Less clutter, a freer mind. I actually want my place to be almost empty or just with the basic necessities like a bed, cooker, small refrigerator, bicycle, and computer. A modern Buddhist. So, I want to free my life of possessions. Things are making me more anxious anyway. I am probably just romanticizing poverty.
For Sale:
Airconditioner: I can barely afford to pay the electric bill. I'm used to the heat and humidity of the third world, who am I kidding?
Yoga Mat: I am malnourished. No need for this shit!
Mini Nonstick Egg Fry Pan: I can barely afford sunny side up eggs for breakfast! Omelets are for lunch and dinner.
Ukulele: It's sad but I don't really have time for entertainment.
Blender: Fruits are expensive. I don't panic if it's not organic.
Small Black Table: I have nothing to put on the table.
Rechargeable Light + Fan: I am used to the darkness by now.
Jean-Paul Sartre's "Being and Nothingness Book:" I learned to face the void alone.
Logitech usb mouse: Because one mouse is enough.
There you go. Too much stuff is contributing to my anxiety anyway. It makes me feel like I'm tied to a place. I don't want to see anything else.
I can imagine that it's probably worse to be poor in the richest country. People think that you brought the circumstances upon yourself. Or that you are lazy or that you didn't try hard enough in this life. Like you are blamed for your miseries, what the hell is this mentality? People have no idea, do they? While in other richer countries, people think that the state failed you. People are funny.
Here's the thing in this world, the CEO lives off the 'worker bees'. The worker bees are trying hard to live in a high rent/low wage society. Contrary to popular belief, a job is just not the solution to poverty. A lot of people are working hard out there actually. They bus tables, they serve you drinks, they clean the toilets, they answer your calls... the question is if these jobs will pay them enough to live on? The system keeps them there.
It's worse if you don't have much education. You're stuck in a low wage job. Self-education is hard, I know, I had been there. It was mentally taxing to even consider a college degree back in the day. But if I hadn't gone through all the trouble, I wouldn't probably have gotten jobs that actually pay enough in order to live. Or even travel. You have to be psycho enough to get ahead in the corporate world, too bad I'm not. Now I'm back to square one. But hey, I've also seen a lot of people with degrees yet couldn't get jobs. It's getting worse now. They are trapped in substandard wages or outsourced jobs that people don't really like, for example, call center jobs. We are quite skilled at making other countries richer. And they are better at making their own people poorer. Such a shame.
Yet here I am, still trying hard to make it on my own. Think entrepreneurship is the way? Sure, but think again. It is just damn so competitive out there. I'm going mental. I'm surrounded by the middle class who are well invested in this town, like wow. I'm not jealous alright, I'm just born into lesser circumstances. It's not my fault. The worse thing about being poor is that you cannot afford to fuck things up, don't waste your one shot. If you're born into a well-off standard, you can afford to fail multiple times. I'm sure mommy and daddy can save the day. There's a safety net. Like when I'm done, who will pick me up from the dirt? There's no such thing as welfare here, fuck that.
People in poverty will find it mentally taxing to think about others things. I know, I had been there. I had been through a lot okay. I had seen people who will downright not care about you because there were far more important things to be considered other than your fragile feelings or petty emotional needs. Now I think the world is such a threat. The only thing that I am grateful for is that despite the unfortunate circumstances, my sister and I managed to have zero kids, given our age. The same with other relatives. That's something hey? It's just ourselves we need to take care. We didn't resort to that typical thing in our poor neighborhood of having a big family. That seems to be the pride and achievement in this part of the world. We just don't forget the lesson of poverty, it lives on. I'm proud that we manage to make better decisions in life. I just can't imagine feeding other little insane versions of me.
I know I tend to pour my heart out to some random stranger. Let me know if there's any other way to cope? But, sometimes I want to slap a man whenever he tells me over a bottle of beer, "You are thinking too much." When all he wants is to get into my pants. The predators during my desperation. I'm proud that I manage to make better decisions in life even when I'm intoxicated. How can I not think? I spend my whole day thinking. My whole life thinking. That's my job. That's what probably gonna lift me up from the ground.
Now if there's any valid reason for depression, it's poverty. I'm sorry. It's way too depressing not having plenty of choices in life. It makes you not care about others anymore. It makes you feel cold. It robs you of morality. This is probably how it is to be criminally insane I think. Deep down, I just want to be able to get out of this level in the pyramid. But please, don't tell me I didn't try